


Control

by iisintrovert



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abusive Parents, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Character with OCD, College AU, Completed, Drug Use, Emotional Sex, Ereri smut, Finger Fucking, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Forced Drug Use, Gang activity, Gayness, Hange is nonbinary, Homophobia, Just remember, Levi Is A Dork, Levi cusses a lot, M/M, Minor Character Death, OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Panic Attacks, Reibert - Freeform, Sexual Assault, Sexy Times, Smut, Triggers, aren't all of my characters dorks, blejh, ereri, holding out for the smut, i really hate Eren's dad, jeanmarco, law student Levi, mainly ereri, mentions of father, reibert are the bad guys who would have guessed, the sexual assault is not ereri, triggers for attempted sexual assault, trying Armin x thomas?, whooHOO anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-02
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-04-24 11:38:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 35,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4918093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iisintrovert/pseuds/iisintrovert
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when you combine random Au's and get "Gay chicken that went a little too far" and "Some one was aggressively hitting on you so I stepped in and now we're pretending to be dating", and decide to make it chaptered. Ereri college Au with a bunch of other people and couples.</p>
<p>After such innocence like this, things start to get a bit...complicated. Eren and Levi's backgrounds converge and it turns out they're both running from the past. But what happens when people who hurt them come back and find that they can use the other for revenge? Fic tag for tumblr: "fic: control ereri"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. chapter one

You could tell someone was having a bad day when they started to suggest to themselves ways of diminishing the human population as a whole. A new plague, possibly murder. Anything, Levi thought, that would make going to the mall more of a relaxing errand then an Olympic competition. Unfortunately, things like creating a contagion and releasing it in the air ducts of a public building were 'illegal.' Levi would know. He'd been studying law for two years now.

Instead of doing anything that would (ironically) end him up in confinement, he dealt with people constantly touching his arms and almost making him spill his tea over his last nice shirt.

He sighed, smoothing the cuffs of his sleeves. It had been an eventful week. His 'best friend' wouldn't stop insisting that they needed a live subject to test chemicals on. They could have just used a rat or guinea pig but nooo. Hanji was always insistent when it came to animal rights. They were also clumsy as fuck and couldn't keep from spilling things on the only clothing Levi felt comfortable wearing.

And that was why Levi needed to be at this hell hole. If he needed clean clothing, he was going to get a couple nice ass shirts, a sweater or two, and maybe some goddamn skinny jeans that made his butt look nice and maybe they would be from the Levi's store because he was already in a hellhole and there was no reason not to make the most of it. That was when he met the most infuriating people he had ever had the displeasure of being around.

It was on his way to a store near the center of the mall that sold professional clothes in his size when he saw them. Two boys, his age, maybe a year or two older, but definitely taller, uglier, and meaner. One was dressed completely and unironically in leather. Leather pants, too tight for his muscle, a brown leather jacket zipped up, probably to conceal a tight leather shirt. His dark hair was greasy and unkempt, much like his dirty leather shoes. The second was slightly smaller. He, thankfully, wasn't wearing enough cow to saddle a horse, but his face was covered in blisters and his hands were fidgeting in his pocket in a very perverted way. They leaned casually against the side of a smoothie booth. Levi was about to skirt around them when he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. The second of the boys moved swiftly to corner someone about to buy a drink, forcing the poor kid to move closer to his buddy. Levi saw the boy, hair falling into his eyes, stumble in confusion. His eyes were the color of the ocean. The first guy stepped closer and promptly smacked his ass.

Levi dropped his tea. Luckily, into a trash bin, but he wouldn't have felt the scalding liquid splash onto his legs any way.

He was just a few meters away when he heard leather boy speak.

“Where're you going there, babe?” He sneered.

The smaller boy tried to step back again, his voice catching in his throat, but he stepped right into the chest of the second boy. “Wha-I was trying to...could you please step away?”

Douche bag number two put a hand on the kids shoulder. “Why would I do that?” He started to twirl a finger in his dark brown hair. “Is something bothering you?”

Heat pooled into the younger kid's cheeks and his eyes darted around, clearly searching desperately for a way out. “Yeah, a little.” He hissed through gritted teeth. “Could you let go now?”

The first asshat stepped closer – right behind his ass, one might add – and put his hands on the waist band of the boys low riding jeans.

Levi stepped forward and did the only thing that popped into his mind. He shoved the second guy out of the way, grabbed the boy's hand, and kissed him on the cheek.

“There you are! I've been looking all over for you. We still need to finish shopping, remember? I can't believe I lost you.” He was blabbering, brushing hands over the creases in the boys shirt in an attempt to subtly shove him out of the way of the two idiots surrounding them. “What happened?”

The younger boy – Levi hadn't realized how tall he was compared to himself – looked startled again, but grateful this time. He smiled wide. “Babe! I was just about to grab us smoothies when these two boys pulled me over.”

Levi glanced back at the two boys, and savored the bewildered look on their faces.

“I see.” was all he said to them. He let a blank expression fall from his face.

The two suffered under his death glare for a couple moment before Levi took the boy's hand in his own and simply walked away as quickly as possible.

It was then – holding hands, breathing quickly and walking in a hurry for who knows where – when Levi realized just how fucking pretty the kid was. Not just pretty pretty, but actually gorgeous. He really started to wish he had savored the moment of kissing him on the cheek in the chance that it might not ever happen again.

They were soon a safe distance away, and Levi still hadn't said a word, nor let go of the boys hand. He was beginning to wonder if that might be a problem, when a brilliant idea popped into his head.  
“Thanks for saving me back there.” the boy suddenly blurted.

Levi tried to keep his composure. “It was nothing.” He didn't let go of his hand. No sir-y, was he going to pass up this opportunity.

“I know it's just...not to be rude, but why are you staying with me?”

Levi definitely didn't blush. That is definitely not what happened. “I'm staying with you because they might come back. They could be following us.”

The boy perked up. “Really?” He started to turn his head when Levi hissed at him.

“Don't look! I told you, they could be watching. And if they find out that we aren't actually together, they might try again.” Levi stared ahead and led the boy by his hand to turn until they were headed towards the food court.

“How do you know all this?” the boy whispered.

He shrugged. “I'm studying at Maria. I'm going into forensics, but I love crime and psychology.”  
The boy nodded. “So, let's just say they're potential rapists. What would happen if you left me alone?”  
“I wouldn't say it would go that far, but if so, you'd get raped.”

“Really?” the boy looked up. “Are you serious?”

Levi nodded. “If we assume that was their intention, which it likely could have been, then if they see that you are actually here alone and single then they would try to attack you, yes. People who assault people don't attack groups. It's too difficult, too many variables. Plus, the whole possession thing when it comes to 'not stepping on someone else's turf', but that's normally only for males attacking females. But yes, you are much safer with me with them here and I am not going to leave your side until you leave the mall.”

The kid shook his head. “You clearly know more about this then I do. Alright, I definitely want you to hold my hand if it means safety. What's your name?”

He coughed and looked to the side, definitely not to hide the blush crawling along his cheekbones. “Levi.”

“Levi? Just Levi?”

He nodded. “Yup.”

“Alright. I'm Eren Yeager. I also study at Maria.”

Levi looked up, surprised. There was no way he had gotten that lucky. The pretty boy he happened to be holding hands with also went to the same uni as him? “Really?”

“Yep.” Eren grinned down at him. “And, if it means my safety, I challenge you to the most high-stakes game of gay chicken that has ever taken place.”

Sneering, Levi tugged on Eren's hand again. “Alright babe. Lets go split a cheese burger and drink out of the same milkshake glass until you can't handle the amount of gay I am capable of.”

“You're on.”

 

Levi was not capable of handling this much gay.

Eating the fries and burger wasn't too difficult, nor splitting a milk shake considering they both had the same favorite flavor. Holding hands across the table made it difficult to eat but didn't bother him. No, it was the subtle acts of affection Eren threw in once in a while that were driving him crazy. In line for their food, Eren braced a hand at the small of his back before stepping forward with him. His eyes made the loving side smile look easy, and when they held hands on the table Eren would stroke his thumb across Levi's knuckles just often enough for him to know that he was definitely doing it on purpose. Levi had thought he had an advantage, actually being gay. Either the kid was a total tease, or about as gay as Levi.

Still, he had learned quite a lot about him and was very intrigued. He was studying medicine for his fathers benefit, and while he enjoyed it, he felt terrible about not being the one to choose his own major. His two best friends had the highest GPA's in the whole school, and while he was really proud of them, his father wasn't exactly happy with the 'standard' he was setting for his adopted siblings.  
As Levi was finishing the last sip of milkshake and Eren was busying himself with the last few fries, he felt the other boy squeeze his fist and interlock their fingers. “So, you're studying law, huh?” He asked, looking up through his thick brown eyelashes.

Levi crossed his legs. Why, hopefully no one will ever know.

“Yeah.” he choked out. “Forensics. Of course, I don't have anyone pushing me too far.”

“Really?”

He shrugged. “Just an old uncle, but he's normally at work and just pays for college because he doesn't want me living with him until I get a job.” He noticed something was wrong only when Eren didn't respond immediately. He looked up. Eren was staring at him thoughtfully, his green eyes like pools of imagination. “What's wrong?” He asked, trying to sound casual.

“That's kind of terrible.” Eren whispered. Levi barely heard him over the noise in the crowded cafeteria.

Levi looked down at his lap. “You get used to it.”

Eren winced. “That's even worse. I've had two or three people trying to take care of me my whole life. Being used to not having even that...I don't know. It's just –” Eren stammered. “I'm not trying to embarrass you.” He looked down, blushing.

Shit, Levi thought. He's cute when he blushes.

After that, they didn't really talk much. They finished their food and sat in silence. It wasn't awkward, really, Eren held onto Levi's hand and Levi would look up every once in a while and meet the green eyes of the boy in front of him, before looking away quickly, his face red. He wondered how they ever got to be there. Holding hands in the middle of a mall, completely silent yet absolutely comfortable with each other. Levi was really fucking weirded out.

“You know,” he said, startling Eren. “this is pretty fucking weird.”

Eren giggled. Giggled. Levi almost passed out from moe. “I guess you're right.” He admitted, peering back at Levi through his eyelashes. “Pretty weird. Pretty funny. Pretty gay.”

“Everything about me is pretty and gay.” Levi said in a low voice.

He didn't really know what to expect. Maybe a sudden breeze to cool his hand, or a startled noise to signal that Eren was very uncomfortable with the idea of playing gay chicken with an actual gay man. All he knew was that he definitely wasn't expecting Eren to nod knowingly, and sigh.

“You too, huh?” he muttered.

“Yeah.”

“Especially the pretty part.”

Levi looked up to see a cheeky smile. He laughed, stopping mid-giggle, surprised in himself. “That's the first time I've laughed all month!”

Eren giggled again. “Seems like a pretty miserable month you've been having.”

He snorted. “You could say that again. My friend is majoring in in biomedical engineering, and you wouldn't believe what they get me into –”

 

After about an hour, Levi decided it was safe enough for Eren to leave the mall. Well, it wasn't much of a decision as it was a moral obligation. If Levi were to have his way he would have stayed there until closing, holding hands with the gorgeous (and delightfully not-straight) person in front of him, perhaps munching on curly fries and noodles from the Asian restaurant that was giving out delightfully smelling free samples. The conversation and company was even better then what he normally experienced. He was actually allowing himself to enjoy himself, letting smiles and even laughs fall through the carefully constructed barrier of bitchfaces and eye-rolls that kept him safe from people who might hurt him in the same way his parents had. Not by doing so on purpose, but by being close to him and then suddenly...being gone. That just wasn't the case. Eren seemed more present then anything he had experienced.

They decided to ditch their trash and leave, empty handed besides – well, each others hand. They hadn't been paying much attention to the changes in the weather since they sat down.

“Er,” Eren grunted, staring out at the windblown rain. “You don't happen to have a car, do you?”

Levi sighed and let go of his hand for a moment to take his arms out of his over coat and hike it up over both of their heads. “Nope. You good at running?”

“Nope.”

He nodded. “You are now.”

Eren looked down at him. “Wait, do you mean –”

Levi took off, his arm still looped with the taller boy, their only salvation from the rain fluttering above them. He tore through the puddles with ease and turned corners blindly, hoping with some shred that his memory of the bus stop location was good enough to get him there without being able to see ten feet in front of him. Eren kept up. Levi tried his best to ignore the panting against his ear.

It was only a couple hundred meters to get to the small covered bench, but with the way Levi's heart was racing, he felt like he could've ran a marathon. Eren, on the other hand...

“Don't,” the boy leaned heavily against the rail of the bench, breathing heavily. “Make. Me sprint. Ever again.”

Levi sneered. “If you act like this whenever you do I might just have to.”

He looked up and gave Levi a cheeky look. He was really milking his eyelashes. Levi wondered if he knew the effect of looking up through his chocolate hair, or if he was just naturally gorgeous. Either way, Levi stepped closer.

“You know,” He said in a low voice with his hand on Eren's shoulder, pushing him up to a standing position. “this is a really cliché 'first kiss' moment. The sun's setting, rain is pouring. We've both just sprinted a 400.”

Eren giggled, peering down at him. “To bad we've already kissed.”

Levi pouted. “I guess you're right. We can't have a cheesy first kiss in the rain, anyway. One of us might slip.” He stepped closer.

“It would be dangerous.” Eren leaned in just a bit closer. “One of them might still be following us. They might attack while we're distracted.”

Levi gave a noncommittal grunt. He could feel Eren's breath against his eyelashes. The noise, bustle of the outside world went silent as he inched just close enough for his chest to brush Eren's loose sweater. It was a struggle to restrain himself even further, to be closer, just for the sake of wanting to make sure there was every option available. Just to make sure that if Eren touched him it was because he wanted to, in more then just some corner of his being. “It's a shame.” he whispered. His eyes were lost in the bright green of the taller boy's. They weren't green, really. Flecks of blue circled his pupils, blown out in the meager light of the fading sun. “This could've been our first.”

Eren growled. He finally broke the string, the unseen force that had walled its way between them and kept them from getting an more close then they had been when he tilted his head downward and grabbed at Levi's waist roughly. His lips warmed the corner of mouth for just a moment as he whispered in a low voice: “I'm not complaining.”

There was no more hesitation. Levi pushed his head up further, closer, their lips meeting – well, more smashing – in a cold, wet moment of teenage desperation. His fingers curled themselves over his shoulder and his hair and the back of his neck and the front of his shirt and anywhere he could grasp quickly without breaking the kiss and Eren's teeth drifted across the flesh of his bottom lip and he groaned.

And then it was over.

Eren pulled away, breathless. “You know,” he panted. “We probably should have exchanged numbers and gone on a real date before that.”

Levi snorted. “Such a shame,” He breathed, pulling him down again, and not for the last time.


	2. chapter two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Eren greets his friends after meeting a certain lovable thug, the angst begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm sorry. If you've read any of my other fics you know I can't do anything without throwing in a dash of angst, so this is where I'm going to pour most of it into. Please don't hurt me. This isn't the end.

Eren opened the door to his dorm room, smiling in bliss, and was greeted by four teenagers screaming at him.

A flash of red and black embraced him as his room mate and best friend fired questions off one after another, not allowing him any time at all to answer.

“What happened?”

“Where have you been?”

“Why are you all wet?”

“Where's your jacket?”

“How come you never called”

When the blur – apparently his foster sister, Mikasa – relented and continued to rub his cheeks and ruffle the water out of his hair, Eren decided just to sit down and let his friends get the worry out of their system. And so he did. He dropped his bag and plopped down on the circular pillow chair under his loft.

Finally, Armin simply shoved Mikasa out of the way and put his hands on Eren's shoulders. “Are you alright?”

Eren looked up. He was surprised by the concern in his best friend's eyes. “I'm fine." he answered softly. "Nothing's wrong, I promise. I'll tell you what happened but I need to get oriented first.” He sighed. “I'm exhausted.”

Those simple words calmed everyone around him. Well, he thought they did. With his eyes closed all he could hear was the relaxed breathing. And then he opened his eyes.

“Can we talk now?”

Eren's three friends – four, if you count the stranger leaning back on Jean's bed – sat before him with anxious looks on there faces. Each was wearing pajamas. Each had ruffled hair, and an intent expression on their face. And each was a road block in the way of him falling asleep.

Eren sighed, considering his options. He could tell them the whole story, the truth, get it off his chest, but would that really end anything? It would only make his friends feel worse. They would worry. Mikasa might murder the next person she sees wearing leather. And to tell them about Levi? Armin would have a fit. Jean would be relentless in his teasing. No, the best choice would be to deliver the most watered down story possible.

He peered up a the bottom of his loft bed. Earlier that year, at the beginning of the semester, he and Armin had weaved white Christmas lights between the slats that held up his mattress, thrilled, as though it were a completely original, amazing idea. Turns out, in the LGBT+ suite, fairy lights were about as common as closets. Now, they sat there, dull, dusty, and tangled from his mattress shifting.

He turned to his friends. “I got held up by these kids. They were hitting on me, so I had to make up this elaborate story about where I needed to be, then tried to shop while avoiding them. Took longer then I thought.”

Armin grinned. “You made a bunch of teens hit on you?”

Eren sighed again and tilted his head back. “Yes, that's what happened.”

Jean chuckled loudly, standing up to plop down on his bed next to the stranger. Eren noticed how the latter was quite inviting. “Who's the guy?”

“What guy?” Eren spluttered, trying desperately to sound calm.

“Oh, you know.” He smirked. “The one who gave you a hickey.”

Eren smacked the sides of his neck in surprise, trying desperately to cover up an incriminating mark, but his face, neck, and shoulders blushed bright enough for the red blotch to fade into his skin completely. He remembered sitting down in the back of an city bus with Levi. He was still glowing from the kiss. Levi started to get sleepy, and, at the same time cuddly, and in Eren's haze he couldn't remember getting bitten on the neck. But he knew who had done it.

“Eren,” Mikasa growled.

“Calm down, Mikasa.” He muttered. “It's nothing.”

Armin sat back, clearly confused. “Wait,” He stood up, extending his sleeve covered hands. “did the teenager hitting on you give you a hickey, or someone else?”

“Oh, not you too Armin.” he groaned. There wasn't any other choice. He could tell them, or he could not tell them, and have them hanging over him for days. “When the guys were hitting on me, they got a little bit...difficult, so this guy swooped in and pretended to be dating me.”

“So...” Jean raised an eyebrow. “he gave you a hickey?”

“No! I mean, yes, but not then. He goes here. He's gonna work in law.” Eren's voice trailed off feebly as he tried to avoid his friends eyes.

“Ooh!” Armin perked up, eyes shining. “So, he kept pretending to be dating you, and it eventually turned into an actual date?”

Eren looked down at his hands, wove around in the tassels of the artful throw blanket underneath him. Was that really what happened? Did Levi actually like him, or was he just being nice? The thought hadn't hit him yet, and Eren didn't want to think about it.

“Yeah, Armin.” He chocked out, forcing a smile.

The shorter boy weaved his fingers through his hair and squealed in excitement.

“Whoa, now.”

Eren looked up at the freckled boy on Jean's bed and took in the way his legs rested beside his shoulders. How he was absentmindedly twirling a finger in the back of Jean's hair. How Jean had a firm grip on one of his ankles, just above the cuff of his ducky pajama pants. He saw the content look in his roommates eyes, and decided that it would be the topic of conversation, not now, but very soon.

The boy stood up and ruffled Armin's head further. “Calm down, Armin. You're brother probably wants to sleep.”

Eren quickly decided he liked this guy. He would do Jean well. “Thanks...you.”

The taller boy smiled and scratched the back of his head. “I'm Marco. Jean's – friend.” He held his other hand out for Eren to shake, and Eren obliged.

“Well Marco, you're correct. I would like to be able to sleep now.” He glared at his sister. She stood up and wrapped an arm around his neck in a tired, half-hearted hug, before grabbing her purse and blowing Jean a sarcastic kiss goodbye.

“Have a nice night. Make good choices.”

“Yeah, Yeah.”

Eren always found it hard to admit that he was glad she cared so much about him. Whenever anything went wrong, Mikasa would always be the one to call him until he answered, find out how to get to him, how to help him. When he was safe, she left him alone. It was such a simple thing, but it meant the world to him. Nobody else had been as protective his entire life. Eren didn't want to think it was just an after shock from being orphaned in a shooting when she was seven, because he had never been able to tell her how happy it made him.  
He would always just shrug her off.

When she gave her last tired 'goodnight' to Armin, Eren stood up an turned to rummage in his drawers for some clean pajamas. “I'm literally about to fall asleep, Are you alright to get to your dorm yourself?” he asked Armin, pulling off his skinny jeans in exchange for flowy cotton sweatpants.

“Yeah, I don't mind a little rain.” He smiled. “I'm happy you're back, but I'm definitely not satisfied with your explanation. I'll see you tomorrow!”

“Bye.”

He was just climbing into his loft when he noticed Jean nervously peering between him and Marco.

“What is it, Jean?” He asked tiredly.

He shook his head, turning and looking anywhere but Eren's eyes. “It's nothing.” he mumbled quietly. “It's just...much too cold outside. And the rain. Marco's dorm is a block away from here, and –”

Eren rolled his eyes, sighing to interrupt his ramblings. “Let the boy stay.”

“You wouldn't mind?” Marco stared up at him gleefully.

“Of course not. I don't think you two could make enough noise to keep me awake.” he admitted. “Besides, I know Armin's going to stop by first thing tomorrow morning for a better explanation, and I might as well kill two birds with one stone.” He sighed again, nestling into his blankets like a cat, his eyes drooping and his cheek rubbing against his pillow. Sleep would come easily.

“You still haven't explained the hickey.” Jean muttered.

“Shut up, Horse-face.”

~~~

For some god-forsaken reason, Eren wasn't able to stay asleep the whole night.

He had fallen asleep only moments after his face touched his pillow, and dreams flowed in and out of his exhausted brain like watercolors. One dream in particular, did a bit more then that.

Eren was sitting in a chair, outside a local cafe. A warm drink and pastry sat in front of him. He couldn't remember where they came from, but accepted them graciously. The sun hit his wind-blown face like a blessing. He almost fell asleep, there, nestled in the comfy cushions of the outdoor chair, his arms weighed down on his lap. There was peace.

And suddenly, the atmosphere changed. Eren didn't know why, but he felt the urge to turn around and stood up in a frenzy.

The two people in front of him were familiar.

“Hello there,” The first whispered, stepping closer. “it's nice to see you again. I can't believe I'm so lucky.”

RUN, his brain urged him, but he couldn't. His feet stumbled as he tried to step back and he fell, almost immediately, into the chest of the second man.

Fight, he thought. Escape. Danger. Fear.

He felt a calloused hand on his cheek and another gripped his waist, shoving him against the wall of the shop. Hot breath whispered things he couldn't understand in his ear. The other grabbed his useless arms and held them there.

No, Eren wanted to scream. He wanted to shake his head, pummel in front of him with his fists. He wanted to fall weightlessly to the floor and curl into a ball. He wanted to wake up. To leave.

His pants were being unbuttoned, the side of his face shoved against the cold brick behind him. More disgusting words. Cold, slimy hands touching him, grabbing him. Eren wanted, needed to leave.

He needed to wake up.

And he did, in a cold sweat, his blankets wrapped around his waist.

Eren blearily sat up and removed himself from his confining sheets. His head throbbed. He hadn't yet registered completely what had just happened, in his dream, in real life. There wasn't anything there for him to remind him. For that, he would have been glad, but instead he hopped down over the gate at the side of his bed and trudged outside of his dorm, making his way to the small bathroom that he and his suite-mates shared.

In his sleep deprived state, he undressed and clambered into the private shower.

Eren tried to make sense of what just happened as the scalding hot water left trails of pink skin down his face, neck, torso. It was as if he were trying to burn away anything that might still haunt him from his nightmare.

Needless to say, he wasn't able to figure anything out. He toweled himself off, climbed back into his clothes, and made his way to sit back in his chair. In the meager light he could see Jean and Marco cuddling loosely. Jean was drooling on Marco's arm.

It was then he remembered Levi.

Well, not really Levi, as there was no way he would really be able to forget Levi, but his phone. It was still trapped in the front pocket of his jeans, off and on silent. If he left it there it was destined to end up in the wash. That was when he remembered that there was a new number in his contacts. One that might possibly be able to convince him that he was safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned to next chapter for pinning-on-pinning where neither of the parties knows the other is pinning!


	3. chapter three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren decides that he can't handle anything, and Levi is conveniently there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that summary sucked. Oh well, sorry this is kinda late and kinda short, I've been participating in NaNoWriMo (national novel writing month) which is where you write a 50,000 word novel during the month of November. Just November. Basically, I have no free time between swimming, typing, and homework, but I don't really like excuses so my biggie. Enjoy my angst! Also, I've updated the tags because plot and shit I need a conflict here it is.

Eren's fingers fumbled on the smooth surface of his cell phone.

Just moments before he had been – well, not enjoying, more... _participating_ in a scalding hot shower that left his skin raw and painful. Still, it felt better then it had before. The sickly feeling of disgust that had lingered over his body after his nightmare had washed over his skin and down the drain.

Eren shook his head wildly. That was enough. He couldn't let himself continue thinking in such a way. There wasn't anything wrong. He had just been in a bad situation. It hadn't even lasted long. He certainly hadn't understood what was going on as it was happening, so why was this relapse so harmful?

No, Eren was fine. He had to be. Well, at least that was what he told himself.

When he thought about what had happened that night, his chest clenched. The memory of the kisses still burned on his lips. Levi's scent was everywhere, on his skin, in his hair. It was perhaps the only thing his shower hadn't managed to burn off of him. The slightly smokey scent of air before rain warmed him from the core outward.

With shaking fingers, he set his phone down on the floor and sat cross legged beside it. He shouldn't text Levi. That definitely wouldn't be appreciated, and Eren wanted, for some reason, for Levi to be happy with him. He would _not_ be texting him in the middle of the night.

He sighed and pulled himself to his feet with difficulty. Sleep awaited him, but despite how tired he felt, he wasn't sure that sleep was even remotely possible.

~~

“Hey, Eren, do you have the notes from yesterday?”

Eren's eyes snapped open. It took him more then a moment to remember where he was.

He was sitting in the back of his psychology class, five minutes before his teacher was scheduled to enter and begin his lecture, and he couldn't feel his own fingers. His brain was sending him such overpowering signals for sleep that he couldn't even stay awake. Perhaps it was due to his horrid metabolism, but Eren was sure it had to do with him being unable to sleep until deep into the night and early in the morning. Remembering why, he shivered in the overly warm class room.

That also made him remember something else. _Where is my coffee?_ he thought numbly.

“Yoo hoo, earth to Eren?” his bald friend put a hand on his shoulder and shook him a little too roughly for his liking. Connie was the only person in this class that he cared enough to talk to, and while he was good fundamentally, he could be annoying as hell. “Are you even awake?”

Eren wanted to smack him upside the head and tell him _no, he was most certainly not awake_ , but that would require energy that he was not willing to spare.

“I'm here.” he muttered, rubbing his eyes.

Connie grinned enthusiastically. “Good, because I totally just napped last class period. Do you have the bio notes?”

Eren reached into his bag and pulled out his laptop. “I'll email the file to you, but only if you cover today's lecture.” He gave him a pointed look. “And no more of those shitty bullet points, I want it almost verbatim. Let me figure out what's important.”

Connie rolled his eyes, but complied. Eren quickly typed out an email and attached the file, snapped his laptop shut and shoved it back into his sling bag. Sitting forward in his cushy auditorium-style chair, he pulled his hoodie off and folded it into a pillow, resting it above his laptop on his small fold-over desk. He was right on time.

Professor Pyxis strolled into the classroom and set his bag down with a crash. No one was sure what he carried around all the time, but it was loud. Some seniors swear on the Great Fight of 2k14, where Pyxis stepped in and swung the bag at one of the kid's head. The say he was knocked out cold for over an hour. Pyxis was never confronted.  
Not that Eren really cared at that moment. Really, he was an amazingly understanding teacher and his lectures weren't too bad, but his smooth, methodical voice put Eren to sleep faster then he would have thought.

When he woke up, it was to the booming voice of his professor yelling for everyone in the back row to wake up and stand to attention. Eren peered beside him at Connie, who was in fact fast asleep over his own keyboard. _That bastard,_ he thought. He needed those notes.

And then he realized that the entire class was silent. Not only that, but they were all staring back at him.

Well, the entire back row and most of the row in front of them, but everyone else was asleep. Eren quickly stood up at looked down at his professor.

“Yes sir?” he practically squeaked.

Pyxis smirked. “Thank you, Mr. Jeager, for paying enough attention to follow orders, but if you and your friend Mr. Springer could see me after class, I would gratefully appreciate it.” He ended this order with another grin and continued his lecture at full force.

The class stopped their staring and learning continued. Eren couldn't wipe the flush from his face.

The rest of the lecture went by without a hitch. Gradually, everyone began to wake up and pack there stuff together, but no more talking ensued. Eren still blushed from embarrassment. When the bell rang for class to end, Eren shook Connie's shoulder violently and hauled him to his feet.

“You asshole,” he muttered. “didn't even take my notes, and know we're both in trouble.”

Connie looked up blearily. “Trouble? W'sa matter?” He was still wiping sleep from his eyes and his voice held the grogginess that could only accumulate from an insufficient nap.

“Yeah, we're in trouble. Pyxis called us out for sleeping in class and he wants us to come talk to him, but you were too busy _sleeping_ , and not taking _notes_ to hear.”

Connie just shrugged. “What can he do?”

“Oh, I don't know, maybe hit us with a baseball bat? Publicly ridicule us? Flogging?”

Connie sniggered, gathering his stuff, but he dutifully followed him and the large crowd of students walking our way.

Pyxis ignored their stare as they walked his way, instead focusing on re-filing his notes for his next class, taking sips of 'water' (what the entire student body new was vodka) from a thermos on his desk.

Eren cleared his throat loudly to get his attention.

He peered back at us over his shoulder for a moment before chuckling, moving to sit on the corner of his desk. “Hello, there, Jeager.” he said smirking. “Thank you for being an active particapant in my class.”

Eren open his mouth, prepared to deliver the usual “look, I'm really sorry” response when Pyxis cut him off by holding up a hand.

“Go get some sleep. You look torn up. Just remember, next time, I didn't say this of course, but the faculty room has a crappy coffee machine if you need to sneak in before my class.”

Eren stared. Was it that obvious? He couldn't tell if Pyxis was pretentious or just very intelligent. “I'll –” He cleared his throat, looking away. “I'll make sure to do that, sir.”

“I'm glad to hear that.”

~~

“Armin, I'm telling you, that Pyxis guy is _scary_ , man!”

Armin rolled his eyes and peered down at his food, a meager lunch of carrot sticks and ranch dressing, a piece of bread on the side. Sighing, he dipped one of the veggies into his dip and munched on it thoughtfully. “I'll bet he's got nothing on professor Shadis. That man picks on at least five individual students a day.” Armin remarked.

Eren laughed, looking up to the leaves above him. The only reason he even bothered eating outside in such terribly hot weather was the trees. The shade they provided let the little section of courtyard between the lab buildings cool down enough for it to be bearable for Eren's group of friends to sit on towels and eat together.

Eren would have been completely calm...if it hadn't been for the text message he sent a few minutes ago. It was simple, innocent. And Eren was freaking out. Armin had been chiding him to tell him more about the night before, and of course in a daze of stupidity, Eren texted Levi and asked him if he wanted to eat lunch with them. No big deal. Right?

Wrong.

Eren scrubbed his hand against the thigh of his jeans, trying to focus on the sensation and nothing else. But that made for bad banter.

“Eren? Are you alright?” the freckled kid, Marco asked. Eren wondered how Jean managed to find someone so nice when he recognized the question.

“Oh, me? I – I'm fine.” He said, smiling. It felt more like a grimace than anything.

“Is it last night?” Armin asked quietly.

Eren realized what he was insinuating and shook his head frantically. “What? No, no, I'm all right. Nothing's wrong.”

Armin gave him a cheeky grin. “That's not what I meant.”

Eren flushed red. “If you want to know more, I suggest you just wait. I asked Levi if he wanted to meet us for lunch.”

Mikasa punched him in the shoulder and scowled. “Already another date?”

Eren simply sighed this time. “Guys, I already told you, it wasn't a date –” He was cut off by Jean snorting loudly. Jean reached for his brown paper bag and stuffed a few pieces of plastic into it before standing up.

“What? Are you two just going to platonicly eat lunch together, alone?”

“I wont be alone, I'll be with you guys, right?”

Mikasa also started to put her stuff into a pile as well, scooping it up and standing. “I have another class today.”

Jean nodded. “Marco and I have to go to philosophy in a few minutes.”

Armin shrugged. “I'm with Mikasa. I've got another class _and_ a paper due. Sorry man, but you're going to be on your own.”

“But –” Eren spluttered. “Connie? You don't have another class, do you?”

He gave him a malevolent grin. “I've got to go meet Sasha.” He waved his phone in front of him for evidence. “Best of luck to you.”

Eren sat back, stunned, as his entire friend group started to fold their towels, abandoning him. Armin peered over his shoulder as he walked away. “Good luck! Remember, I expect a full report tonight!”

And then their was one.

Just as he was delving back into his own realm of anxiety and self pity, his cell buzzed in his pocket. He nearly had a fit trying to pull it out.

On the front of his screen, he saw it. His saving grace.

**From: Levi  
Sorry ive got work. Well actually im working right now but you know**

Eren grinned. Then he realized that he probably sounded like a dick.

He pounded his fist into his forehead and fell back into the grass. _What were you thinking?_ he thought. _You can't just ask someone to do that without checking if they already have something going on. Why would he want to come see you, anyway?_

Moaning, Eren pulled his phone back and tried to decide on a reasonable reply. Could he even text him back? He had just said he was in class. Should he wait until it was socially acceptable for him to have read his text and respond? Or would doing it right now show interest? Eren didn't fucking know. How was he supposed to know?

“Alright, douche-bag, you can do this.” He muttered to himself, and typed out a reply and hit send before looking at it.

**To: Levi  
Aw, that sucks. Yeah my friends just left me anyway :P**

Eren tried not to think if that made him sound pretentious or not. Probably. Sighing, he shoved his phone back in his pocket and stood up, taking his things with him. He was prepared to leave this cursed area and drown in the fiery pits of hell when – he got another text.

Confused, Eren looked down and pulled his phone out, and read the message.

**From: Levi  
So ur a loner like me. All my friends are dead**

Eren giggled. Honest-to-god giggled. He quickly typed back a response and sent it without further qualms.

Soon, Eren was on his way to his favorite coffee shop, texting Levi back and forth as he walked. He didn't even mind that he had bumped into three people on the way there. When he arrived there, a little underground place called Grounds, it was quiet. Only one other person was there, in the corner with his ear buds on, typing loudly on his laptop. Eren smiled.

He walked up to the counter, phone still in hand, smiling down at Levi's newest response.

He was shocked from his phone screen by someone loudly clearing their throat.

“Excuse me,” Eren looked up. A bespectacled...person was standing attentively behind the register, their teeth flashing a wide smile. “Can I get you anything?”

He cleared his throat. “Oh, uh...yeah. Sure, I'll take a cold apple cider and a bacon panini.”

The person nodded and rung him up. “Will that be all?”

Eren nodded and paid, gave his name and sat down at the both closest to the window. He pulled out his laptop and textbook, opened them, and started to fill in the blanks for the lecture he had just sleep through. Luckily, he was now refreshed and read to work. Unluckily, he was a college student. There were copious amounts of work for him to do.

He only made it a few paragraphs deep into the chapter when he was drawn back to answering Levi's newest text.

He was obsessed, he knew it. The fact that they had kissed and neither of them had bothered to bring it up or even make the slightest mention to it was worrying, but Eren was willing to ignore it if it meant he was able to procrastinate while texting him.

After sending his latest text, he turned back to his work and read about three sentences before his phone buzzed again.

**From: Levi  
lol. Im about to go back to work so I have to put my phone away but do you have any plans**

Eren smiled.

**To: Levi  
Not at the moment, no. do u wanna meet up? Where do you work **

As he set his phone down, a familiar deep voice called out name. “Panini and cider for – Eren?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how was that? Lovely, right? I hope to get back to this and my Free! fic, if I could see the colors you speak, pretty soon so don't start crying yet!  
> As always im a slut for kudos and comments and my tumblr is iisintrovert so check me out I like memes and shit


	4. Cider

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we get the first iotas of plot development. You'll see ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a tad bit longer then my chapters normally are, so I hope that makes up for the fact that this is very late!  
> Sorry guys, I'm telling you, NaNoWriMo has been my life. Between that and swim practice I've had virtually no time to write this lately, except for like two days of thanksgiving's break (America). But enough excuses! More Ereri!

_This is not happening this is not happening I'm not ready I'm not ready_ –

“Oh, Levi?”

Eren looked up to see him standing at the counter, dressed in a black dress shirt rolled up to the elbows and the green employee's apron, a little black and olive hat rested over his unkempt undercut. He looked absolutely adorable yet down for murder at the same time. He was blushing, slightly, perhaps not quite ready to be talking to Eren either.

Eren got up, abandoning his laptop, and made his way over to the high counter. He didn't point out that Levi was only about a foot taller then the cash register (though he wanted to). “How are you?” he asked, cursing himself for sounding so dorky.  
Levi flicked his hat, before lifting Eren's drink and sandwich. I'm doing just fine. “You know, second double shift in two days.”

Eren sucked breath in between his teeth. “That sucks.”

He shrugged. “Yeah, well,”

Not knowing what to say next, Eren just lifted his sandwich and took an enormous bite. Nothing spilled from the bread or from his mouth, but he moaned from delight on accident. It was a damn good sandwich.

Levi sneered. “That's – attractive.”

Eren swallowed, the smiled at him and lifted his cider to him in a sarcastic toast. “You love me.” He took a sip from the boiling hot liquid.

“We make those hot, by the way.” Levi muttered at Eren choked and made a fool of himself, coughing and fanning at his mouth.

_This is not how you get a date!_ he screamed at himself internally.

He felt a tap at his shoulder and turned, food and drink still clutched close to his chest.

“Could you two take _this_ ,” He waved a finger at the two of them. “else where? I need my food.” The man raised an eyebrow at him expectantly.

Eren rolled his eyes and moved away from the counter, murmuring a goodbye and making his way back to his seat. He dropped his food down next to his Mac and picked up his food, already tipping furiously.

**To: Levi  
You better spit in his drink**

**From: Levi  
U know I will **

He giggled, and reburied his nose into his homework, hiding his fucking teenager emotions in his books.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Eren was actually getting to be very productive until Levi plopped down on the other side of his booth, a cider in hand. He was missing his apron and hat, his button down unbuttoned at the top. He rested his (quite glorious) forearms on the table and leaned forward, letting his chin fall on top. “So.” he started. And didn't finish.

Eren closed his laptop and folded his hand on top of it. “Your shift ended?” he asked.  
Levi shrugged. “More or less.”

“And you bought a cider?”

He shrugged again, smiling slightly. “More or less.”

“You stole it?”

Levi raised an eyebrow. “I've cleaned up, thank you very much. I don't steal anymore. No, I simply took a generous employee's discount. I ended my break early as well, so I could leave early.” He peered down at Eren's unfinished panini.

Eren nodded, not questioning what he meant by 'cleaning up,' but he could guess. He didn't mind, really. He could care less if Levi was an ex-gang banger, to be honest. He was nice, and had nice arms, and was extremely attractive, _and_ a confirmed homosexual. That was enough for him.

“Do you want this?” he asked, holding up the remaining half of the sandwich.

Levi shrugged and took it, avoiding the edge Eren had bitten from, and took a bite from the other side. He hummed in approval. “Oh my god,” he muttered. “This isn't on the menu, right?”

Eren shook his head. “No. Why?”

Levi took a bite, and exaggerated his eyes rolling into the back of his head. “It should be. This could be our feature item of the month.”

He shrugged. “It's not much. Grilled mushrooms, mozzarella cheese, sauteed onions, spinach, basil.” He ran a finger over the edge of his plate. Levi just nodded in satisfaction.

“And it's vegetarian? Jeez, I can't believe we haven't already come up with this.”

Eren blushed, looking down at his pile of books. He let one of his hands reach out to stack them more evenly. “It's just a sandwich.”

Levi shrugged, finishing it off. “It's good.”

“It was my mother's recipe.” Eren peered down at his hands. “She's a vegetarian. Always wanted me the family to become one too, but doesn't want it to stunt my or my sister's growth.”

“Did she ever try to when you got older?” Levi asked.

Eren winced, smiling painfully. This part, this was always awkward. “She, uh –” He cleared his throat. “She died when I was twelve.”

Levi's smile dropped from his face. “Oh.” he mumbled. “Sorry.” @@@

He looked up, as if to amend what he had said, but not quite sure how exactly to do that. “I mean, not because she's dead, but – no, not like that I'm totally sorry she's dead, but I didn't want you to think –” He paused, blushing slightly, and covered half of his face with his arm. “...sorry.”

Eren just giggled. “It's alright. I get it.”

Levi nodded, avoiding his gaze. “When people apologize for a loss, it never feels... _real,_ to me, I guess. I didn't mean for it to come off that way.”

Eren wanted so badly to lift his hand and place it on top of Levi's. IT wasn't like they hadn't already held hands. They had, for a very long time. A _very_ long time. They had also played an extremely intense game of public gay chicken, made out for a while, and then parted and the hadn't spoken about it since, so now was a bit...different. It was less _hey, these guys are being creepy so let's pretend to be dating_ and more _you look sad and I really want to hold your hand right now._

_Or maybe just sit and talk for a bit._

Either way, Eren managed to keep himself from grasping Levi's hand and embarrassing himself any further. Instead he just nodded, agreeing.

They sat there for a little while, not saying much. The silence was only slightly awkward. Eren had his books spread out and he was pretending to pay attention to them while Levi played with the edge of his rolled-up sleeve. Instead of studying, Eren was admiring his glorious arms and collar bones. If he failed his next test, so be it. The image would have imprinted itself in his mind, and that was enough for him.

After a few more minutes of this slight comfort, slightly awkward 'kind of but probably not' a date, Eren received a text. He peered down at his phone.

It was Jean, of course, being his usual self. Texting Eren completely inappropriate things at very ironic moments. Today, it was some picture of Ryan Gosling leaning on his fist and large, blocky, two thousand and twelve meme level font reading _Did you sit on some sugar? Because you have a sweet ass._ and the instruction to send it to Levi with no context whatsoever. Eren snorted into his apple cider.

“What is it?” Levi asked, looking up.

Eren cleared his throat, trying to stop himself from smiling, and failing miserably. “You probably don't want to see.”

Levi rolled his eyes. “C'mon, you can tell me.”

Eren blushed, saved the picture, and shoved it under Levi's nose. “My friend Jean sent this to me without context.” he lied.

Levi smiled as well, before his face darkened. “Tell him his meme game is weak, and that line is incredibly creative.” He looked away from Eren and kept Playing with a lose thread on his black button-up, but his mood had changed in some shape or form. His face didn't hold its usual annoyance. There was something different, there, between his furrowed eyebrows. Was it anger?

Jealousy?

No, Eren shook his head at that. It couldn't possibly be Jealousy. No, Eren was just seeing things. He ducked his head and followed Levi's instructions, informing Jean that his memes came from dark alleys during the emo ages and that if he wanted to impress Marco, he'd have to be more original then that.

He let Levi know this, and he smiled, but it disappeared soon.

Eren was staring, probably inappropriately so, when his phone rang in his jeans pocket again. This time, it was Mikasa. Telling him that he needed to go back to his dorm immediately.

Eren sucked in a breath, muttering to himself as he typed out a reply.

**To: Mikasister  
R u sure? **

The response appeared in his in box like rapid fire.

**From: Mikasister  
Get ur gay butt to your dorm this instant I swear its important **

Eren frowned. It wasn't like Mikasa to say things like that to him, but it was even more uncommon for her to be so insistent. Didn't she have class? Either way, Eren was sure that something wasn't quite right.

He pushed his books closed and stacked them, dumping them in his backpack and hurrying to shove his lap top into his computer bag.

“What's up?” Levi asked. He looked curious, and slightly worried. Eren didn't want him to feel worried. He didn't want to feel worried himself. Especially, he didn't want there to be a reason for him to worry.

He shook his head, partially clearing his thoughts, partially alerting Levi. “Nothing's wrong, I think. My sister just told me to come back to my dorm as soon as possible.”

“And you're going?”

Eren felt incredibly good at how sad he sounded at the prospect of Eren leaving him. Not about him being sad, of course. Just that he didn't want him to go. He smiled down at him, gathering his bags on his shoulders. “I'm sorry. I would like to stay for what ever it is we're doing here –” Eren didn't fail to notice Levi's slight blush. “– but my sister is normally pretty serious. It's just the best bet to assume she's telling the truth and something's up.”

Levi nodded, scooting his own warm drink towards himself and wrapping his hands around it, looking up at Eren like he wanted to say something, but couldn't quite decide on what would be appropriate. He settled on nothing, just nodding. Eren definitely wasn't disappointed. Nope, not one bit.

“Alright,” Eren drained the last few sips of his cider, now lukewarm, and picked up his empty plate. “See you later, I guess.”

Levi nodded again, smiling. “I'll text you tonight. Then we might finally be able to meet these friends you keep texting in front of me.” He sent the equivalent of a cheeky grin Eren's way, his eyebrow raised and frown more relaxed then normal.

“Oh shut up, you dork.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As soon as Eren left the shop, Levi buried his face in his arms and let out a very quiet, very subtle moan of distress. _Why do you feel so jealous? You have no claim, no reason to feel like that._

Levi opened his eyes and peered down at the grain of the wooden table below him. _We did make out for like, half an hour._ he thought, blush rising. What was it with him blushing like a school boy in a low budget anime now days?

He shook his head and ran a hand down his face, careful as to not touch his skin too much for too long. He remembered that he had just eaten and decided to get up and go back behind the counter to wash his hands. Thank goodness to employee's privilege, he thought dryly.

He stood up, collecting his half drunk cider, and brought himself to the employee's entrance and walked back behind the counter. He placed his mug down and scrubbed at his hands. _Soap, water, scrub, between each fingers starting at left pinky and ending at right, scrub, water, flick hands, dry._ Just the usual cleaning ritual. He was nearly in an acceptably sanitary state when his coworker, Hanji, bumped his hip with hir own. Ze turned and gave him an owlish look, grinning widely.

“So,” they started, waggling their eyebrows suggestively. “Who was the cutie?”

Levi rolled his eyes. If anyone else would have asked him that, he would have looked away to avoid blushing furiously. But this was Hanji. Ze was never serious, but couldn't resist teasing their friends whenever possible. Levi sighed. “That was Eren. Keep your grimy paws off him.”

Hanji whistled. “Someone's getting protective. You know I don't like boys, short stack.”

“I know you don't like _anyone,_ but you're still a creep.” Levi grumbled.

Smacking his hip with their apron, they snorted. “I object to that description of me.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Levi finished cleaning up, plucked his drink up from the counter, and leaned back against the sink.

Hanji stood on hir tip toes to peer past the fogging windows at the front of the store, deemed that there were no prospective customers, and slumped against the counter, sighing with relief. Levi knew that since they had been so short staffed recently they were probably coming up on the middle of their second double shift in two days. Ze shot Levi a cheeky grin. “So?”

“So what?” Levi responded immediately, seemingly indifferent.

Hanji lifted an eyebrow. “Spill everything, I want every detail. Did you two fuck?”

Levi nearly jumped. “Jesus Christ, shitty glasses, calm down. No, we have not, I am a respectable man. We just...maybe went on a fake date and then made out for an hour and we started texting and now neither of us have mentioned that that actually happened, and I'm not even sure if he even remembers.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eren hurried back to his dorm room, his bags smacking against his sides harder then the intense winter wind. He barely even noticed. He was too busy thinking about the inevitable, and what that might be.

He wasn't thinking about the end of the universe, or death, or his purpose on this world, but rather why his sister was worried. He debated texting her as he awkwardly jogged in his skinny jeans and converse, just to get a bit more information before rushing into his dorm room to a problem that could have been as small Jean and Marco being a bit too loud and naughty for Armin's taste, and as large as...as what? His mother, back from the dead, haunting his dorm building? The police?

Eren shook his head and focused on staring ahead of himself.

The various sorority houses and restaurants and dorm homes flew past him as he gained speed. He saw his own dorm ahead of him. _Well, no police_ he thought. At least knowing that there were police would have been better then being forced to wonder.

Eren gritted his teeth as he ran up the sloping driveway to the small drop-off circle in front of his dorm. He threw open the door and barreled up the stairs, not caring that one of his bags, possibly the one containing his lap top, was banging from his leg to the wall of the stairway as he ran. He sprinted the last few bits to the eight floor, ran along the balcony to find his suite, dived inside and threw open his dorm door to see –

Nothing. Nothing was there. There was Jean, on his iPad with his bulky headphones pulgged in, and Mikasa, sitting in his circle chair.

“What's –” Eren took a moment to regain his breathing, his chest heaving and breath coming from his mouth in pants. “What's wrong?”

Nothing, nothing was wrong. He had just arrived in his dorm room, and nothing was wrong. Nothing bad was happening, nothing was _wrong_ –

“Eren,” Mikasa looked up at him, a mixture of confusion and fear in her eyes. That was different. Mikasa didn't just get scared. “Grisha's back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUN!  
> Also, You can see that plot, right? I'm thinking of making Levi battle a bit with some obsessive compulsive behavior from the resultof trauma, because I have to have angst and neurodivergent characters. Enjoy!  
> Remember, I'm on tumbles at Iisintrovert and to tag any art/posts about/prospective headcannons that you want me to see (or any memes you wanna be incorporated because I'm a dweeb) as Fic: iisintrovert  
> Thanks homeboys!


	5. Heavy Dirty Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren has an unpleasant memory resurface and bring clarity...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayo here we have some character and plot development, so ready your breasties

Eren remembered, coincidentally, when he was younger. When his mom was still alive. When he and Mikasa weren't as close, just friends who spent too much time around each other given that they lived in the same house. Eren remembered going on a trip to the beach with his family.

He couldn't have been much older than eleven at the time. His father told him that morning, that they were leaving, that he needed to get his things together and ready to leave the house. His father told him that they would be seeing the ocean. Eren had never been before.

Not without the help of his mother, Eren gathered the clothing, bathing suits, and trinkets that were necessary for a weekend get-away at the coastal side of the city just outside of Shiganshina.

It didn't take long for him to realize, at least partially, that something was wrong.

His mother sent worried glances behind them every few moments as they walked from their car to the small condo on the seaside. Her face showed slight terror, and maybe a bit of confusion. Eren thought little of it. Mikasa, on the other hand, seemed scared as well. Her emotions were more swayed by the people around her. When her foster parents were scared, she was as well. When Eren, her 'brother,' (now just plain brother) was upset, so was she. Mikasa knew that it was right to be cautious that day. Eren did not.

Eren yelled and smiled, acted like a child, swam as far as he could into the cool blue water until he heard the cries of his mother, yelling for him to return to the shore.

Sand castles and holes were dug into the smooth, unmarred surface of the sand. Eren can distinctly remember the hour in which it took Mikasa to completely bury him up to his chin

It was a normal trip.

Or so Eren thought.

That night, when he was tucked into by his mother, false smiles on her face, he began to feel some worry. He didn't do anything, of course. He asked her if she was alright, and when she closed her eyes and titled her head, he believed her protests. Eren fell asleep easily. About an hour after doing so, he woke up once more, to his father – coming home. _When did he leave?_ Eren had wondered. _Why isn't mom with him?_

“Mikasa!” he whispered urgently, sticking his head up from under his scratchy covers. She lifted her own from her pillow. She groggily peered over at him, her brow creased.

“What is it?” she mumbled.

Eren was just opening his mouth as the door to their shared room in the condo was thrown open, their father standing in the doorway. He was shivering. Not from the cold, but from...well, Eren would be finding out.

Large hands were fitted over mouths open and ready to cry for mother. The scruffs of collars were tugged forwards without room for protest. Eren shook his head and flew his arms around as he was shoved into the back of a car. A smell of _something_ assaulted his nose. He was too young to understand, to know why his dad was driving much too fast on his way to leave the collection of condos. He bowed his head and circled his arms around his knees, not crying, of course not crying, just...scared. Like a child. He was a child, but he wouldn't be for long.

It was only a ten minute drive, and he was pulled from the car again with Mikasa right along with him. This time, Eren didn't protest. He tried his best not to make a sound.

Grisha walked them through a parking lot and into an abandoned building. He held the two children in front of him, almost like a – like a shield. Eren stared ahead with wide eyes. Three men stared back. They stood in front of the doorway, crouching beside the three stairs that led up to the rusted entry, shaking as well. They had bloodshot eyes and rumpled clothes. All three were enormous, muscled, but they looked like they were wasting away at the same time. Regardless, Eren was too terrified to move.

“I've got 'em.” Grisha choked out. The grip on Eren's shirt was shaking.

The tallest of the men nodded, standing up on legs that practically vibrated. “Do you have the stuff?” he asked.

Eren looked on with confusion and slight horror as Grisha moved the grip on Mikasa's nightgown to the fist clenched in his own shirt. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a plastic bag filled with dark powder. “It's –” Grisha wiped his nose with his shirt sleeve quickly, like a tick, before rubbing his ear against his shoulder. “It's all here. Every gram.”

“Then why you look so nervous, old man?” the shortest man asked gruffly. “And why're these kids here? You got something to tell us?”

Grisha shook his head. “It's fine, fine, everything's fine. Everythin's fine.”

“Shut up and give us the drugs!” one of the addicts finally piped up in a wheezing voice. “What's wrong with you? I see you cravin'. Whassu matter? Couldn't afford your own fix?” He nodded his head at the kids. “You trying to pay us with them?”

Grisha coughed, and shoved Eren and Mikasa forward. “I know, I know. The cash is all here.” he said, patting his pants pocket. “I just gotta get a drive first. Don't worry, I threw in a bit extra when I was leaving. The good shit.”

Eren started to quake, his eyes darting around. He could run. He should have run. He should have left, and never returned. Grabbed Mikasa's hand and gotten as far away from his father as possible. But he didn't. He couldn't even lift his feet. He did nothing, nothing but stand there until his shirt was being dragged back over to the three men. He felt their hot breath against his neck and cringed against his foster sister.

Grisha took a step towards him, not meeting his eye. “I brought them cause – cause we need 'em.”

Eren closed his eyes. He was just dreaming. Yes, that was it. This wasn't really happening.

“The guys I got this from, I don't think they can be totally trusted.” Grisha heard the men growl before throwing his shaking hands up to protest. “No! Not like that, it's just...they don't have that good of powder, you know? It's a fusion. Cheap, quick high, but sometime...it gets mixed too badly, ya know? It's not safe to just go at it without testing it. Shouldn't really do any harm, but...it's just safe to do a quick test.”

The man nodded and took Eren's arm, shoving him to the ground before pulling his long sleeve up to his elbow and squeezing around his bicep. “Well,” he growled. “Get it over with.”

Eren looked up with terror in his green eyes, and tried to pull himself to is feet. “Dad? What, _no,_ let me go!” he cried. A sweaty hand was promptly fit over his mouth.

Grisha looked down at him with guilt. There was no sadness, no regret, just slight guilt. He couldn't even look Eren in the eyes. He pulled a lighter from his pocket, and took a spoon and needle from one of the addicts. He lit a flame under a spoonful of powder. The foul scent of the drugs met Eren's nostrils and he whimpered. Mikasa had to be held down by the final member of the group as Grisha readied the needle.

Eren looked away as the sharp metal instrument met his skin.

He felt as a small amount of warm liquid was inserted into his blood stream.

There was a slight rush of warmth, of what could have been something that might have taken away all of the bad feelings he was experiencing while being held down with more than two shaking hands. It was all interrupted by an aching heat. It rushed through his brains, making his head sear, and his limbs felt too heavy too move. He was thirsty – so thirsty, and tired and finished and he just wanted to get away, to run, to leave but all he could do was sleep.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Eren woke to the sound of gunshots.

His mind was clouded, his thoughts choked. Or was that his chest? Eren couldn't tell if his lungs were full of cotton or if he was just struggling to pull air inside of them. Either way, he could barely breath.

He tried to stand up, and cringed. A mixture of shakiness, pain, and nausea hit him at once, throwing his mind into a swirling pit of ache, his limbs weighted down and numb around him. The sound of bullets ricocheting into wooden walls. That's right, he was sitting in the condo. No. Eren opened his eyes, looking up at the high ceiling through a hole in the hole above him. He heard a bullet whiz over his head and into the wall he was leaning against. He was in the house. The blue one, worn down, with the rusted door. His dad –

When he looked around, he saw nothing of Grisha. Was it even real? Was Grisha ever there?

Interrupting his thoughts, a large hand yanked him to his feet. Eren was held suspended over the rough wooden floor. He was shaken, before held in front of a large, warm thing. A body. Eren suddenly came-to enough for him to hear what was going on around him.

He felt the cold nozzle of a gun press against the underside of his chin and an arm snaked around his chest to support him against the front of the man holding him. “Drop your weapons!” the man shouted into his ear. “I'll shoot!”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

That was only the first of many times Eren's father had gotten him into terrible situations with his past, and left him, not even caring. After that night. That night, that first time he betrayed his son, his carefully constructed facade of love and trust crumbling down like the stones and powder he sold and used to take himself away. In only seventh grade was Eren forced to wonder if there was anything there to even b lost in the first place. When he thought about it – really thought about it, his father couldn't have loved him. He couldn't have involved him with gang violence before abandoning him, he couldn't have tested heroin on him, he couldn't have brought his family across a state just to be closer to a drug trade if he had really loved them. He could have ran. Not in away from his family, but away from the violence.

After Eren's twelfth birthday that year, his mother was killed in a drive by shooting. They never found the person who did it. All Eren knew was that it had to have been an attempt at his father, at his sanity. At his deteriorating mental state.

That was when Mikasa and him had developed a plan. A promise, really. They agreed that despite the random trips outside of the house at three o'clock in the morning, the instructions transferred through text messages for them to 'find something to do before coming home, stay away until one,' the unintentionally involvement with drug trafficking, they would stay. They would stay home and around him until they were accepted into college. That year, after both of them turned eighteen, they called the police and told of their father's current mission – a delivery of sixty grams of cocaine and heroin – and made sure that he was arrested.

There was ample evidence from that event alone to put him in prison. The court gifted his bank accounts to them to split, and that was that. They crashed at Armin's family's house for the few months of summer and for the first times in his life, Eren felt safe.

And now, he was feeling his whole world crash around him.

Eren leaned away from Mikasa and sat down on the carpet of his dorm room floor. “He's...he's back?”

Mikasa nodded, her head in hands. “I just got the call from the police station to let us know. He skipped his parolee officer's checkpoint and was last seen driving into Maria district.”

Eren held up a hand, looking around the room as if he could find the answers there. “Parolee...he was out of prison? I thought his sentence was eight months, at least! They were trying to find more evidence with what we told them!”

Mikasa nodded, a tear rolling down her cheek, not making it to her jawline before she was shipping it out of the way. “I thought so to. I guess his contacts were loyal. They couldn't find anything. He was released a month early for good behavior.” She scoffed, tipping her own head back.

Eren dipped his forehead into his knees and groaned.

He felt a comforting hand on his back rub soothing circles into the skin between his shoulder blades, and the murmur of his best friend calmed his shaky breaths.

He took in a deep gasp, clenching his eyes shut. “I thought – I thought we'd be free of him. I thought we could last until at least the end of the semester. We have jobs, savings from all the _shit_ he did with his free time. We could of –” Eren breathed through his nose, and he calmed the erratic movement of his chest for a moment. “We could have been _safe._ ”

Mikasa nodded, leaning back into the circular chair and pulling her legs onto the soft pillow seat. She looked young. Eren was reminded painfully of how it was that year when they had made their promise. “I know.” was all she whispered. She closed her eyes for a moment, and breathed out, once, evenly. “We can do this, though.” She said. “We can alert the desk of the dorm building. We can move out temporarily, split up. I don't want to,” she protested, looking up to see Eren's terrified face. “but it's the safest thing we can do.”

It took him a moment of careful consideration, but Eren nodded. “Alright,” he agreed, looking up to see Armin's concerned face and furrowed eyebrows. “Alright, let's do it.” He stood up and made his way to his closet, pulled his shoulder bag from the top shelf and plopped it down on the ground before him. He filled it as far as it would go with jeans and random tee-shirts, a comb and stick of deodorant from his desk, some socks –

Mikasa grabbed his wrist. “What are you doing?” she asked?

“I'm getting ready,” he replied in monotone. “I'm not staying where he can find me. Not in this dorm.”

“We don't have to leave _now_ ,” Mikasa protested, but he just shook her off.

Eren shook his head. “I'm leaving now.”

Armin opened his mouth, as if to protest, but then set his jaw. “You can come to my dorm room.” he said.

Eren shook his head again, rubbing his eyes, and threw his school bag on top of the mix. He looked down at what he was wearing – black jeans, a plain gray shirt and an army green jacket that fell to the bottom of his thighs – and determined that he could bring just the jacket with him and be warm enough. “I can't do that, Armin.” he said.

“What? Why not?”

Eren threw his hands in the air. “You live here, it would be too easy.”

Mikasa put a hand on his shoulder. “Eren, who exactly can you go to right now?” she said with a calming voice.

Eren massaged the space between his eyes with his thumb and knuckle. “I don't – I know!” He looked up. “I can stay at Levi's!”

He wasn't expecting the reaction he received.

Armin made a noncommittal noise of surprise as Mikasa practically growled. “You just met him, he gave you a hickey, and you're going to just stay at his place in the fling of a moment?”

Eren nodded firmly. “What could go wrong, really?” he asked, trying to convince himself more than his sister and friend.

“Oh, I don't know, you two could f –”

Eren groaned and held his hands over his ears. “I really don't want to hear those words come from your mouth.” he protested.

“Well?” Mikasa asked.

Eren looked to the floor, blushing slightly, and dug his phone from his pocket. “I'm eighteen, I can do what I want,” he murmured. Mikasa raised an eyebrow. “Not that I want to!” he complained, turning away from them. “Jeez, stop acting like my mother.” he complained.

He looked down at his phone and took a deep breath. He could do it. He would do it. He had to. It was the only place safe for him, then he would do it.

He shivered, and tapped out a quick text.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Are you absolutely _positive_?” ze asked, for perhaps the third time that encounter.

Levi rolled his eyes. “Yes, I know exactly what I did and what I didn't do.”

They giggled. “Oh, I'm sure.”

Levi rolled his eyes again and turned away from hir. Hir merciless teasing and prodding into his 'relationship' with Eren was only slightly annoying, but the other part was thrilling entertaining the possibility of them actually having a relationship was wonderful. And _no,_ Levi did not blush. Well, maybe a little bit. He folded his arms over his chest and leaned over the counter. There was only one customer left, and he had promised Hanji that he would go out with them for something real to eat after hir shift.

“We didn't do anything.”

They raised an eyebrow, and Levi sighed.

“Okay, we made out for a while, but that was it. Nothing else, got it? Don't go thinking things that never happened.”

Hanji smiled at him malevolently and leaned in. They whispered in his ear, “Oh, I bet you've thought of somethings you'd like to _happen_ to the both of you, wouldn't you?”

Levi's eyes widened and he shoved them away. He hadn't. He wouldn't disrespect Eren like that, disrespect himself by thinking of him, _back arching, fingernails dug into his shoulders. Gasping, just slightly from pain as Levi bowed his head over his bare chest and moved his hips to –_

Levi's eyes widened and he spluttered, turning away from Hanji as ze cackled and started to untie hir apron. He turned his reddening face from their line of vision and tried to prevent himself from panting. He clenched his teeth and thought of his grandmother, _oh god, think of old ladies, please_ until the growing problem in his pants quieted down.

He just barely felt the smack on his hip as Hanji moved to exit into the back room when his phone buzzed. The vibration in his front pants pocket nearly fixed the problem for him, but not in a way that would have been helpful. He shook his head to clear his mind of all dirty thoughts.

That didn't work of course, because who had texted him other than the man of the moment. Levi's _totally not a blush_ lit across his face again. And then he frowned.

**From: Eren**

**Hey Levi I know this is really last minute but I really need a place to stay that isn't mine. My dad's out of his parolee radius and he might be headed to pick me and my sister up and I understand if you can't** –

Levi stopped reading and replied immediately.

**To: Eren**

**Come over immediately and talk to me, I'll be there.**

He sent him his dorm address and turned off his phone, grabbed his bag from under the sink, and made his way to leave the cafe – not once thinking about how whatever Eren's dad had done might connect to his own past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAHHHHH this was a struggle to write! It was incredibly fun, of course, writing Grisha like that but I had to do research on drug use and the effects of heroin so now I'm on the governments watch list, especially after that time I googled like three different times if someone can live from certain stab wounds and how long the recovery time would have to be for a novel I was writing. Welp. It was fun to write. Also, about smut!!!!!! I'm like hella asexual, but on the sexually-indifferent side so I do intend to write some in, but it'll probably be a lil bit awkward, but you know what? I don't care! I'm hella gay! Remember to tag things on tumblr as fic: controlhappening and I'll check out what you have to show me! My tumblr is iisintrovert as well! send me smut headcannons!!! Or just comment them, whatever! *disclaimer I will not write anything that you send me if it has the word 'daddy' in it because - you know what, I don't even have a reason, just no I'm not about that life if I have to hug my father every day


	6. Riptide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi has to get home to clean things up for Eren, character background

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi's OCD is described in depth here (and I'm totally not using fanfiction as an outlet to write down all of my mental health issues, why would you think that? Is it my continued use of OCD, depression, anxiety, and autism in my fics? What?).  
> More relationship development! Unfortunately no smut yet, but still some good cute stuff.

Levi unlocked his apartment door for the third time, cursing himself.

Of course, of _course,_ the moment he had to clean for real he's stuck outside his room doing a menial task. He gritted his teeth and closed his eyes, twisting the key in the lock over and over again in a quick succession, until he finally felt he was allowed to open the door. He twisted the little silver key ring in his fingers before looping it around the hook next to his doorway.

His room looked like it was inhabited by a crew of pirates – scrubbed floors and walls, surfaces free of dust, and an old wooden bed nailed to the floor, but with a rubbish bin overflowing with food wrappers and tissue paper. In the corner there was a desk made from the same type of wood as his bed, covered in textbooks and loose-leaf paper. It was a typical dorm set up, complete with two closets and shitty beige carpet. The only thing missing was a roommate.

Luckily, Levi's request for a single person dorm went through, and he was assigned the room on the end of the gender-inclusive suite. The first day he got there was interesting. One of Hanji's friends had greeted him by shaking his hand in two of theirs, asking him what his pronouns were, and proclaiming that he was the “most passing trans guy” they had ever seen.

Needless to say, Levi later explained to everyone at their party that he was only there because his obsessive compulsive disorder prevented him from being able to live in the same room with other people.

As he surveyed the damage, he knew that his 'no roommate' rule would have to be broken for the time being. And in order for that to happen, he need to make some adjustments.

The trash would have to go, Levi decided, hooking the strap of his work bag over its respective peg and toeing of his sneakers at the doorway. There was no way he was going to give Eren a chance to see his tissues and make some sly comment about his sex life. Levi snorted. As if he would do something so unsanitary on his bed. Fuck that, he had allergies.

Shaking his head, he leaned down to retrieve a duster and an old tee-shirt from underneath his bed, along with a plain white bandana. He pulled a trash bag from its box and swiftly collected the contents of the rubbish bin. He tied the bag off and placed it next to his doorway, knowing he would take it downstairs to the bins when he was done cleaning, and tied the bandanna around his mouth and nose. It might look dorky, but it was better than breathing in fumes and dust, something his asthmatic ass did not want to have to deal with.

He began to clean out the inside of the basket, scrubbing the tin until it shined, and placed it back on its spot on the floor, right over the questionable stain next to his bed. Perfect. Levi knew that everything was already sanitary, ready for company, but there was still something missing.

He planted his hands on his hips and huffed. Levi didn't care how cute and queer Eren was, they weren't just going to hop on it and share the same bed. They had only been on two unplanned dates. Levi was classy.

He took a step outside his room and walked across the hall to one of his suite-mate's room, and knocked on the door. A faint “It's open!” came from inside.

Levi turned the nob and stepped in, his socked feet cooling against the hardwood flooring of their room.

“Hey, Sid,” he said, looking up to see them in what constituted as their gaming corner, headset down and brow furrowed in concentration with their finger flying on an X-box controller connected to a laptop. He could hear the faint noises of people being shot. “What're you doing?”

“Just talking to my girlfriend – C'mon!” they grunted into the mike. “No, not you. The CP on the other team keeps throwing grenades off the side of the boat.”

Levi rolled his eyes. It figures they would bond with their girlfriend by shooting animated people. But he had business to attend to. “Do you by any chance have like an air mattress? Or an extra mattress pad you don't particularly care for?” he muttered gruffly.

They nodded. “I've got one underneath mine. No, baby it's just one of my suite-mates. That guy I told you about.” A pause. “No, he's not queer, just mentally ill.”

Levi chuckled. He could accept the falsities of that statement, considering how it described his current life quite accurately. He stooped down next to their bed and reached underneath, scooping out the thick wad of plastic and the small device that would fill it with air electrically.

He left the room with the twin mattress in hand. Levi tried not to think about the fact that it took up more room than he did. Shaking his head, he kicked his door open and dropped the plastic onto his floor. He unraveled it and spread it out, laying it down on his carpet even and ready to be blown up.

He was staring down at it when he was shocked from his thoughts by a loud knock on his open door. Not that he was surprised.

He looked up to see him, standing in his doorway wearing the same thing ha had been earlier but with more jackets. He was chuckling weakly. “Did I scare you?”

“No.” Levi huffed, pulling at the bottom of his sleeve. Eren looked positively wrecked.  
\  
“Oh?” he asked. “So you just yelped like that for effect?”

Levi blushed, looking back down at the floor. “Just get in here, you idiot. And take your shoes off at the door.” He jabbed a thumb behind him at the second closet. “You can put your stuff in there, if you want.”

Eren nodded. “Your roommate won't mind?”

Levi just shrugged, sitting down in front of his bed, cross-legged. “I don't have one.”

Eren paused. He turned to look down at him. “You don't have a roommate?” he asked.

“What, did you think I just shared a bed with someone?”

He looked around, realizing that there was, in fact, one bed and one desk.

Levi spread his arms in an elaborate showing gesture, leaning back against his bed. “I requested a single, and they put me on the gender neutral hall, which contains only single-bed dorms. Also, I now know way too much trans and sexuality terminology.”

Eren giggled, pulling off his winter coat and hanging it up in the closet. He walked over to sit in front of Levi, on top of the air mattress. “That's cool. I'm pansexual.”

“Hella gay.” Levi deadpanned. “We should fit in quite nicely.”

“You know, I was wondering earlier, at you work,” Eren blushed slightly, looking down at his sock-covered feet. “Your coworker – if it's not my business, that's fine, but like –”

“What's hir gender?” Levi supplied.

“Here?” he asked.

Levi waved a hand. “ _Hir,_ h-i-r, it's a subjective pronoun. Ze want to the store to by hirself some food.” he explained. “Hanji uses those and 'they' pronouns.”

He drew his eyebrows together. “So ze is – are? Ze are gender queer?”

“I call them a-a-a 'cause they're asexual, aromantic, and agender.”

Eren chuckled. “I'm only half positive as to what that means, but I'll go with it.”

Levi laughed as well, hiking his legs up to rest his elbows again, when he noticed again the discomfort in Eren's face. He frowned. _Cheeky little shit, tried to change the subject._ “So.” he said, looking up into his eyes. “What's up.”

His words held much more weight than one would think, and Eren knew. But still, Levi could see that he didn't want to reveal immediately. There was pain there, in the eye contact they were making, and Levi knew that it wasn't necessarily his place to press. But it's not like he's the one in control. _C'mon,_ he felt his brain urge. _Say it._ He huffed. _I don't want to._

He scratched at his thigh hard, gritting his teeth, and ducking out of Eren's eye contact.

_You have to, or there'll be a fire drill tonight._

_That's not how things work._

_SAY IT._

Levi sighed, closing his eyes. “You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but...I guess, just why are you here?” he asked, wincing.

Eren let out a drawn out breath, his own eyes flitting downward as he played with a loose thread on his worn socks. “It's fine.” he said. “It's not fair of me to not tell you. You don't deserve that.”

“It's really not –” Levi started, but Eren held a hand up to stop him, smirking weakly.

“Don't worry, Levi. I tell you the whole story, and you tell me why you asked for a single room. Deal?”

Levi grinned, nodding, holding his hand out. Eren took it and shook it firmly.

He took a deep breath, looking down at his feet.

He told Levi everything, starting from the very beginning. His dad was a drug trafficker back in the 90's, and was never able to quite his job. He just kept wracking up dues and favors and debt until he had to go and get his kids involved with a payment that resulted in him getting his corespondents shot. He left out exactly what had happened to himself in that deal. He still felt uncomfortable sharing that.

Eren did, however, tell Levi what really happened to his mother. Well, what he suspected, anyway.

He took in an even breath, looking up at Levi through his eyelashes. “Mikasa – my sister – just got a call from Grisha's parolee officer. He skipped town and was last seen heading this way. They told us not to worry; police are supposedly looking all over for him. We just thought it would be safer, at least, to find a place to stay that isn't on record, where he could find us. That's why I hope it's okay if I can stay here until they find him.”

Levi looked up at him, mouth agape. Eren winced, like he was prepared for him to say that it was too dangerous for him to stay with him. Instead, he fell back as Levi hugged him.

“You're not going anywhere.” Levi muttered into his hair, holding him to his chest.

Eren chuckled. “Thanks. Now, spill.”

Levi sighed, but didn't let go, merely sat there, awkwardly laying on his chest. “I have really bad OCD.” he closed his eyes as Eren's chest began to shake, before a laugh spilled from his lips.

“Damn, I thought you were going to tell me you had a vagina or something.” he giggled.

Levi rolled his eyes and shoved him, sitting back up. “Funny. You know, if you're looking for a trans man, I now know quite a few who you could be staying with instead.” he said with an eyebrow raised.

Eren leaned forward and put his hands on his shoulders, ducking his head underneath Levi's chin, still giggling. “No! It's fine! I wanna stay with you and your dick!”

“Alright, that's enough.” Levi protested, blushing slightly.

Eren continued to giggle quietly, but fell back into a sitting position. He frowned. “Why can't you live with other people?”

Levi shrugged. He lifted his arms to hug his chest and leaned against the base of his bed. “I was just worried about getting an asshole of a roommate who'd move my shit for entertainment.” Seeing Eren's confused look, he rolled his eyes. “You know, you've watched television. It's 'funny' when you like move a pencil on someone's desk, then the minute they see that it's moved they have to walk back across the room to move it back. What you _don't_ see is the stress that occurs inside the person's brain. Most cases of OCD are really close to anxiety disorders, you just have different triggers and fixes.”

“What are yours?” Eren piped up. Levi raised an eyebrow at him, and he lifted his hands in mock surrender. “Relax, I just want to know so I can avoid triggering you.”

Levi looked down at his hands for a second, thinking. “Dust, mainly. I have pretty bad allergies and asthma, so if I don't scrub everything and wash my hands a certain way, I'll choke and die. Oh!” He sat up straighter. “And, if I don't scrub each finger the same way then they'll get mad at me. And if I sleep in a shirt I might choke. If I don't say certain things then people will think I hate them, and if I talk to much I have to be completely silent for five minutes or everyone will hate me.”

Eren whistled, lifting her hands up again. “Relax, Levi, I get it. It's okay, you don't need to tell me everything.”

Levi let out a breath of a laugh, hugging his knees. Eren was right. When he said it out loud, it sounded pretty odd. The thought process made sense in his head, but not logically at all. That was fair, though. After all, he was the not-queer mentally ill guy.

But Eren was smiling and laughing and sitting before him and about to sleep in the same room as him and he was gorgeous and trusting. He was ready to accept him and his – little _problem_ , ready to be kind. Not only that, but he was also a hot piece of ass. Levi's heart was already malfunctioning, beating much too fast and his skin lit up wherever he had been touched. He felt like he was glowing.

He realized he was staring at his feet, smiling like an idiot, and quickly made his face fall into his characteristic frown. He pulled his phone from his pants pocket and checked the time. A glowing five-thirty-four blinked back at him.

“Do you want to get dinner with me?” he asked, looking up at Eren.

He raised an eyebrow. “Are you asking me out?”

Levi blushed. “I mean – not really, I just figured we could talk...”

“I'd love to get dinner, I just don't have much money outside of my meal plan.”

Levi shrugged. “We can just go to the cafeteria.”

Eren nodded, smiling brightly. “Then let's go!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was so short, but who else loves nonverbal! Levi??? Anyway, send! Me! Kink! Headcannons!!! either commenting or through www.tumblr.com/iisintrovert, and I'll see what I can do!!! BYe guyz


	7. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren and Levi go out to eat on a real date, finally, only to have it completely ruined. (But can I say whooo for getting over 1500 hits? tell your friends, everyone, you guys are freaking amazing)
> 
> EDIT: I came back and fixed a bunch of mistakes. Love yall. Smooches. I'm no longer on hiatus, expect a chapter this fri/Saturday (may 29, 2016)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of trigger in this chapter (pretty graphic forced fingering and a tad bit of groping...yeah...not between ereri of course, different antagonist). If you don't want to read it, comment or message me on tumbles and I can summarize it for you so you can continue reading! Love you Lovelies! My new url on tumblr is "the-mega-trans-sjw"

Dinner was great. And Eren was happy.

If it hadn't been for, you know, the crushing feeling of fear that overrode all of his reasonable senses.

It had all began a few days ago. But he already knew that. He knew that what had happened was awful, terrible, and a reason to be afraid, but this was different. This was so different.

That night, it started when they got to their restaurant.

Levi had chosen, because it was his apartment, so they ended up walking to a small taco joint a few blocks away from his dorm. It was nearly empty, save for a small family at the front table.   
They ordered, sat down, and retrieved their food. Conversation was easy and relaxed. Instead of heavy words and stories, they tried to cheer each other up with jokes and anecdotes about high school life.

They ate quickly. Eren noticed a few habits of Levi, including his tendency to subconsciously tilt his plate and adjust where his drink was, as well as the sheer amount of napkins he was using. Other than that, there wasn't anything unusual about the date at all. Except for the fact that it was one of the best ones Eren had been on in a very long time.

When they were finished, they threw their things out in the overflowing trashcan and left.

That was when it started.

It was dark out, the street lamps not nearly providing enough light for he walk home to be safe. Despite the chilling air, Eren could feel the warmth wafting from Levi's shoulder. The shorter man was standing closer to him than he had been before. He wondered if that was because of the cold, or if he was being protective. The thought made his heart leap.

Either way, the lack of light made everything a bit nerve wracking.

If only they had waited, or taken the bus or done anything but just leave, maybe it wouldn't have happened. Maybe everything would have been okay. As it was, Eren didn't even notice the second set of footsteps behind them.

He felt Levi tense up and take his hand, the speed of his walking increasing slightly.

“What are you –” he started, before Levi loudly interrupted him.

“I think they're waiting for us to get back before they go out.” he said, head facing intently forward, eyes flashing to the side to give him a meaningful look, pulling him closer.

Realization flashed across Eren's face, followed quickly by fear. He opened his mouth, trying quickly to come up with some sort of answer, only to have Levi continue, dead faced and completely calm.

“Yeah, they like to go out like this quite a bit. I only go to be their ride. It's ridiculous, really, how much time they spend not studying. I don't know how they managed to pass last semester.”

Eren just nodded, clutching at Levi's hand and matching the pace of his walking. They were at a near jog now, cold breath spewing out in front of them like icy mist. He wondered how Levi could walk this fast with his significantly shorter legs. The thought temporarily relaxed the majority of his anxiety, but it all came crashing back, waves of fear clutching at his chest, thoughts like his dreams pouring through his mind like torrential rains – it was awful, terrible, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

It was dark. He didn't even have car keys to put between his fingers. Everything was a trap, there was no escaping the two sets of footsteps clapping behind him. What if it was them? The boys from the mall, ready to end what they tried to start? Eren gulped.

He hadn't realized how hard he was clutching at Levi's hand when he felt the man squeeze back. “They won't leave without us, _it'll be okay.”_ he said. Eren caught the double meaning behind the latter of the words. He let a huff of breath escape his nose, closing his eyes momentarily.

His thought poured through the dam of his mind once more when a booted foot slammed into his back.

Eren's head hit the brick siding of a building, and all he saw was the inky black sky above him. His ears rung. The unsettling feeling in his chest tripled in pain. Suddenly, he was being ripped from the stupor that held him against the ground by – Levi. _Levi._  
He was telling him something, something he couldn't yet hear through the white noise in his ears, pushing him, why was he pushing him away? Eren didn't want to be away from him, he was safe, safety, _danger_ –

Another set of hands fell to his shoulders and shoved him against the wall of the alley they had fallen into. With one whisper into his ear, he could hear again.

“Well, hello there again, Eren.” The shorter one, blond and barrel chested with small eyes and a terrifying sneer licked at the shell of his ear, whispering faintly. His senses heightened. Eren could feel the press of the man’s hands against his shoulders and chest, the rough seams of his jeans, legs caging him in from either side, hips trapping him against the wall. Most of all, he felt the overwhelming fear of a trapped animal.

He clenched his eyes, trying to turn his head away from the terribly familiar man, bit he just moved a meaty hand to his chin and forced him to stare him in the eye. It was him. The one from the mall, the one who had pressed against him, towering over him. There were so many questions. How had he found him? How did he know his name?

The only thing that escaped his mouth was a quiet whimper.

He looked past the blond man to see Levi, fighting tooth and nail against an even taller man, lanky with long arms and dark hair. This one, he was quieter. More reserved of the three who had came on to him at the mall. Well, he had been reserved then, when he wasn't punching Levi in the face. “Let go of him!” Levi screamed, before an arm wrapped around his stomach from the back and another set itself over his mouth.

Eren felt something sharp rest against his hipbone. A knife, maybe? He didn't want to know. Whatever it was, it only took that and a pointed look from the man pressed against him for Levi to stop fighting, eyes wide and angry.

“See, there we go,” the blond commented. “Now that we have some compliance, we can get started.” He turned back to Eren and jabbed a thumb towards Levi. “What's this one's name?” he asked.

Eren grit his teeth, forcing his shaking form to provide the words. “Levi.” he whispered.

The other man raised an eyebrow. “That all? Nothing else? No code, title, anything?”

Eren just shook his head. The man huffed. “Well than, I guess there's nothing else to do.” he said, sneering. He nodded back at the other man. “Bhertold, get the bag.”

The taller man – Bhertold – smirked, shoving Levi int the brick wall behind him and stooping to swipe two shiny items from within a black duffel bag at his feet. _Handcuffs._ He quickly snapped them over Levi's wrists, throwing the other pair to the blond man, who flipped Eren over. He gasped in shock as his cheek made contact with the cold brick. The metal clicked over his wrists and his hips were shoved even closer to the wall by the man's own. He leaned down, his lips tickling the shell of his ear, meaty hands planted on his hips. “You're going to tell me every shred of information about your father you know as of this moment.”

Eren's eyes widened. So that was it. It wasn't just them targeting him on accident then following him to appease their egos, they were really looking for them. _Him._ They knew his father – maybe they were involved with his drug trade? Maybe they were looking for revenge after he ratted them to the police. Maybe, just maybe, they were on his side, weakening Eren's mind to to make it easier for Grisha to get to him. Eren shuddered.

“Or?” he asked weakly.

He heard Levi growl. The blond man turned back, as if to ask for permission, and Bhertold grunted. “It's okay, Reiner.”

Given the sickening go-ahead, Reiner ground into his backside, breath hot on the back of his neck. “Or _his._ ” he hissed.

Eren whimpered. He screwed his eyes shut, _no, no not now, please,_ trying to do anything but think about what had almost happened last time. What he was willing to do. Afterward, the absolute disgust, the feeling of humiliation and pain and terror running through his mind, _no._ He remembered what he had to do. “I – I don't know anything!” he choked out. His voice sounded high pitched and weak, even to his own ears.

The man – Reiner, his name was – dug his nails into the flesh of Eren's hips. “Unfortunately, I don't believe you.” he snarled.

Eren tried to still his shivering form, shaking fingers. He swallowed hard, teeth gritting together, and took in a deep breath. “I don't know where he is. He hasn't contacted me since he was sent away.”

“And?” Bhertold asked. “Has anybody else contacted you?”

Unsure of any consequences, Eren was regretful in regards to sharing information at first, but he swallowed, trying desperately to clear his mind of the fear and panic that shook his whole frame. Fuck this. Fuck his dad, if they were trying to find him, then he hoped they did. He hoped for him to get what he deserved. “The police called my –” he grit his teeth, not wanting them to find out about Mikasa in case they didn't already know. “They called me to warn me. He skipped parole and was last seen driving on the highway towards Sina. I don't know anything else, I swear.”

He practically whimpered out the last part. He wanted to berate himself for being so awful, so weak, but he had to focus. Not on the hardening length pressing into his ass, and the hot breath on the back of his neck, but on getting out. On running away. On being safe. Safety. _Levi._ No, don't think about him. He can't help you now.

Eren squeaked as he was flipped over, pulled against Reiner's front and bared to the two men in front of him. Wide eyed, he stared as Bhertold smirked and flicked his wrist. With one hand wrapped around Levi's mouth, a glint of a silver blade fell from his sleeve. He lifted it and rested the tip against the Levi's jugular. Eren gasped.

Levi just looked on, absolutely furious, arms writhing behind him, not caring in the slightest that there was a knife at his throat. His brows furrowed, then softened, just for a moment.  
Eren watched as Bhertold's facial expression changed from arrogant to enraged.

“He bit me!” he yelled, shoving Levi away from him. First mistake. Levi snarled, stooping slightly to swing his arm upward and hit the man across the face with one of his handcuffs, undone.

Eren gasped. He felt a flash of happiness, smiled even, before Reiner gripped his hips again and slipped a hand under the hem of his pants. The other trailed up the front of his shirt and clutched him closer to Reiner's chest. His heart started beating too fast for the rest of his body to catch up.   
Attempting struggle, he nearly forced himself from his grip. Levi tried to help. He was momentarily blinded by anger, fear, and wasn't paying attention when Bhertold swung his own fist, colliding with his cheek.

“Leave him be!” he shouted, standing up to send another swing Bhertold's way.

The man was too quick. He side-stepped the uncoordinated attack and flung an elbow around his neck, once more pressing the blade of his knife against his neck. Levi stilled, the reality of the situation hitting him like a truck. Eren felt tears well up in his eyes.

Chuckling, Reiner rested his head on top of Eren's. “You know, Grisha seems like the person who has more of a plan than just coming to see you, right?” he said, tone as amiable as it would have been if he had been discussing the recent news over some coffee.

Bhertold sneered down at them. “You didn't _really_ think he'd just come without first sending a welcoming gift? He loves you, after all.”

“Don't – don't talk about _him_ like that,” Eren snarled.

“What could you possibly mean? Your father hasn't seen you in a very long time, he only wants to know about how his favorite son is feeling. He wants to make sure that you're...a bit more delicate than normal. Less trigger happy, if you will.”

Eren screwed his eyes shut. They knew his father. Not only that, but they wanted to help him find him. They wanted for him to be –

“It's our job to _break_ you.” Bhertold hissed in a low voice.

Levi snarled at him. “You son of a bitch,” he hissed. “Let him go. You don't need him for anything. What, do you need to pay off some sort of debt you owe the coward?”

Eren sucked in a breath between his teeth as Reiner slid the rough palm of his hand over Eren's bare ass, squeezing and kneading the flesh with his fingers. He thrust his hips forward again, more forceful this time, using the hand splayed against his chest to rock his body back against his own. He left a shaky moan against his ear. Eren whimpered. Not this, anything but this. That's it. he thought. _I'm not here. I'm at home, enjoying myself, safe, Grisha's gone, Levi is there to protect me, I can protect him, we can be safe, together, alone, and not_ _here, anywhere but here._

“Just get on with it, Reiner.” Bhertold muttered. “I don't want to have to be the bodyguard for too long, either.”

A disgusting chuckle. “Patience, you'll have your turn,” he hissed, trailing a finger along Eren's entrance.

Eren yelped. “No! Stop, please stop, I'll tell you anything, please just let me go I don't –” His voice was cut off by a strangled, cut-off cry. Reiner thrust his middle and forefinger inside of him, dry, forcing him to rock his hips back against the intrusion. Tears fell from Eren's face, falling to the ground to accompany the shards of glass and the dirt. Dirt. That's what he was, useless, weak, disgusting. Littering the concrete to create an unsightly blemish that no one wanted to look at, but no one was willing to clean up, either.

He could vaguely hear the sound of Levi's protesting voice, the cracks in his speech and desperation to help, stop, do anything to prevent what was about to happen before him, but could barely register any meaning behind them beyond his own mumbled please of release, freedom, safety.

Eren felt teeth on his neck _I can't breath,_ heard the sound of his belt being unbuckled _no please no,_ before the disgusting mound of flesh behind him stilled.

“Freeze!”

He looked up. There he was, small and innocent, with an absolutely deadly look in his eyes.

“Drop the knife.” he commanded, stepping forward, gun in hand, pointed with locked elbows directly at Reiner's head. Reiner complied. Eren found himself able to suck in a lungful of air as the pressure in his backside lessened, the terrible intrusion leaving his body. He still ached, body and soul, to be untouched, alone, but was unable to do so. The thought of still being _touched_ by the man made him want to throw up.

“Kick it over here. You too,” Armin commanded. Bhertold did as he was told, letting the knife clatter to the ground before nudging it over with his toe, not without a few beads of sweat appearing on his forehead. It wasn't very intimidating, considering Armin was wearing sandals, billowing teal pants and a tight white crop-top with matching nail polish, but the look on his face sent vibes of pure rage and determination.  
The small blond let out a heavy breath. “Alright. Now that we've gotten that taken care of, I need you to let go of them.” he pointed the gun at Reiner and made a flicking motion towards himself. His frown deepened when he saw him take a step backward, pulling Eren with him. “Hey! No funny business. I've got you surrounded and the police are on their way. Now let _go.”_ he commanded.

For a second, nothing changed. Even Eren was dubious. But Armin had a gun. You did what gun-people said, didn't you? Why wasn't he being let go, where he could breath, run, go home, be safe? He needed to leave the pair of arms holding him still or he knew he would begin to lose the ability to breath.

But Reiner didn't let go. At least, not until the faint sound of police sirens filled the quiet air around them, he exchanged a quick glance with Bhertold, shoved Eren forward into Levi, and took off at a sprint.

Eren collapsed to the ground. He hadn't realized that his legs had basically lost all function. The only thing that had kept him standing was the desire to run. But now, he couldn't. And there was Levi. He knelt down next to him, wrapping his arms around his shaking shoulders and pulled him to his chest. “Shh,” he whispered. “It's okay. You're safe. You're going to be okay, everything – everything's going to be fine.”

Eren reached up, clutching the fabric of his button down shirt, and sobbed into the material until he couldn't summon up anything else to leave his body. He just wanted to stay there, Levi's arms wrapped around him, until he fell asleep. Sleep. He just wanted to sleep. To forget all of this, to be dreaming and safe.

The sounds of footsteps drawing closer to them shook him from his trance, and he looked up, fearful instincts taking over once more.

Another blond guy, about a foot taller than Armin trotted over to stand next to him, lit cell-phone in hand. Eren's eyes widened when he realized the cell phone was playing what looked like a YouTube track of a police siren.

“Did it work? Are you okay?” he asked, putting a hand on Armin's shoulder just to be sure. “They didn't threaten you or anything, did they?”

“I'm fine,” he said, brushing it off. “Eren...he's –” His mouth was open, searching for words that could somehow sum up the delicate situation without totally shattering everyone involved.

Eren stood up, Levi soon following his lead. “I –” he started out weakly. But he couldn't he couldn't make himself say it. Say what, really? What happened? Saying it out loud would only make it real.

“I want to go home.” he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess I'll just Bhertell you what I Bhertold him: Don't fucking rape people. Don't do it when you're drunk, don't do it standing up, just...just don't, promise? Because if you do, You'll die. Read: I will come to your home, slit your kneekaps from their sockets, and beat you with them.  
> But other than that, have a lovely weekend. GUESS WHO SURVIVED EXAMS? THIS GUY. MY BRAIN IS ONLY MILDLY FRIED AS WELL!


	8. Thermometers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And suddenly all the machines stopped at once, the thermometers beeped the last time/ hundreds of thousands of hospital beds, and all of them empty but mine," -- Shiva, by The Antlers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did someone say angst?
> 
> Sorry for the super long hiatus I'm mentally ill and thought everyone hated this and stopped reading because none of you comment anymore :) (is that to salty? nah) buT OH BOY I LOVE this fic

He wasn’t sure if _numb_ was an emotion, but somehow, he was feeling it. Eren felt empty, somehow terrible and sad and dirty at the same time he felt emotionless. Most of all, he felt _used._

Disgusted.

In himself, in them, in his own emotions, he didn’t know, he just wanted it all to be over.

It couldn’t be, of course, because he wasn’t in a position to fight back -- or really speak, at all -- so when Armin looked him in the eye and told him that they were going to the hospital and calling the police station to send a detective, he didn’t say anything. Just nodded into Levi’s shoulder and clenched his eyes shut.

For some other reason, which he could not comprehend, his legs still refused to work, and his chest burned with a hot pan. He silently wondered when it became so difficult to suck air into his lungs. Within a few minutes, he was gasping, panting, trying desperately to breath as his legs refused to move under him and his heavy tongue refused to form sounds. His head was getting foggy and his lungs were burning, a pit of anxiety growing in his chest until --

Levi clapped both hands down on his shoulders and forced him to look him in the eyes. “Eren? Can you hear me? Listen, Eren, I’m going to need you to look at me and breathe, okay? Follow my counting.”

He tried, desperately, clutching onto Levi’s hands like they were lifelines, breathing slowly in and out, _one two three in, two three out, two three in,_ until his chest was no longer stuttering and his lungs seemed to cooperate.

“Levi,” he choked. “Help, please, I can’t --” he wheezed past a dry sob. “I can’t even _think_ , I can’t --”

But he couldn’t speak. Just shook his head desperately, and hoped that he understood. It seemed he did, because he was pulling him forward and massaging a hand into his soft hair, fingers soothing him through the tresses.

By then, he heard the sirens.

They weren’t loud -- they sounded like Armin’s phone, a dull ring in his ears. He didn’t exactly comprehend them getting closer until they disappeared altogether -- replaced by gloved hands and rubber and plastic and strangers in suits where he couldn’t see their faces, asking him questions he couldn’t understand.

He looked up at them, confused, holding onto Levi’s shirt. Levi took his elbows in hand and helped him up -- up onto the stretcher they were pulling out. _I don’t need a stretcher,_ he wanted to say, but all that came out was a confused grunt of pain.

Levi was talking for him. He was saying something, to the lead nurse, who was lifting the stretcher up into the back of the ambulance. Eren thought he was saying something important, so he tried to listen. He didn’t catch all of it, just a snipet.

“ -- ambushed us, they grabbed him and started making threats about his dad -- he’s a criminal, he just recently skipped his parole, they worked for him -- they said if he didn’t comply that they would…” he broke off, voice cracking. “They were trying to -- to rape him, and force me to watch. Wanted to ‘break him,’ they said.” he whispered, and _no, no, Eren didn’t want to be hearing this._

Pause.

“And did they?”

“Well...one of them started groping him, he was rubbing on him from the back, and he -- he had his hand down the back of his pants but I wasn’t really sure if --” _no no no nono non no No, No_ , Eren didn’t want to hear this. He didn’t want to hear him say it, it wasn’t really happening, it was over, he was safe, so why didn’t he _feel safe why did he still feel him touching him there oh God he wanted to just_ evaporate --

“Patient panicking, patient panicking,” one of the nurses muttered, frantically, and Eren brought his hands up to the sides of his head and pressed, as if he could keep the thoughts from entering his ears, as if he could be safer somehow if he couldn’t hear what was going on around him -- but no they were ripping his hands from his ears and _touching him_ but where was his voice he wanted to _scream_ \--

And then he felt, terribly calm, all of a sudden.

There was a small pinch in his arm, where the needle was, and suddenly he came to the conclusion that he was being sedated.

Eren’s eyes fell shut, and he passed out completely.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Eren woke up, he didn’t know where he was.

He felt numb all over -- not just in his mind, but everywhere. He could barely feel his limbs. There was a dull pain in his back, his backside, but besides that, he felt nothing.

He realized that he was in a hospital -- it was still night, he could see from the lack of light streaming through the window behind him, and the quiet beeping of the machines showed his heartbeat slowly bumping up the longer he sat there awake.

Something warm was holding his hand, and he realized it was Levi. He was gripping his hand in both of his. He was asleep, head bent forward and resting against the hospital bed, black hair ruffled and messy, body shifting up, and down with his steady breathing. Eren managed a small smile, before all the memories rushed back at him.

The heart rate monitor picked up again, and Levi lifted his head up from the mattress and looked around frantically. “Eren?” he mumbled sleepily. “Are you okay?”

Eren stared up at the ceiling. “What happened?”

Levi paused for a moment, before sighing gently. “They had to -- examine you, you know...down there.”

Eren swallowed, but nodded for him to continue.

“And, you know, minor injuries, the bruises on your hips and our wrists, the knife marks on my neck -- stuff for the case.” He rubbed at the back of Eren’s hand with his thumbs. “They questioned Armin, Thomas, and I, too. About the suspects.”

He shivered, squeezing his eyes shut. “And me? Are they going to question me?”

“Well...yes, Eren they have to. But I’m going to be right here, okay? It’ll just be like talking to me. And you’re completely safe while you’re here -- you’ll be completely safe when we go back to my dorm.”

Eren took a few deep breaths and counted backwards in his head from thirty. He could do this. He was safe.

But he didn’t _feel_ safe.

Soon, the nurse walked in to check on them after being notified of Eren’s increased heart rate, and found them with their heads leaning against one another’s and their hands clutching tight. She smiled sadly down at them.

“Eren Jaeger?” she asked gently. She pronounced the name with a hard ‘j’, instead of the ‘yh’ like it was meant to be, but he ignored it and just simply nodded.

“That’s good. I’m glad you’re awake. I have a woman from the police department who just needs to ask you a couple questions, is that alright?” she asked. Her voice was soothing. Eren found himself nodded before he really knew what he was doing.

The questions were harmless, physically, but after wards Eren found the breath sucked out of his lungs once again.

He didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to be reminded of it -- that he was broken. _Weak,_ just like they had wanted him to be.

But he had to.

He didn’t have to make eye contact with any of them as he did, but he had to at least say what happened.

As he recounted the story, he focused, instead on what was coming from his mouth, but how Levi’s grip on his hand tightened and began to shake, thumb rubbing uneven soothing patterns into his skin. He listened to the encouraging hums of the nurse and the detective. The sharp intake of breath from beside him as he told them what Reiner did to him.

And then it was over. It was gone.

So why couldn’t he _breathe_ yet?”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

When he was discharged from the hospital, Levi wrapped his long overcoat around his frame and took his hand. He led him through the city on foot -- Eren didn’t really pay attention to where they were going, only knew where they would end up. They climbed the stairs up to Levi’s dorm room, and Eren waited patiently as he unlocked the door. The second they stepped inside, however, he was ripping his clothes off.

He bundled up his shirt and jeans, threw Levi’s jacket back towards him, and slammed the bundle of clothing into the trash.

Eren refrained from tearing off his boxers until he had his bag open on the floor -- he pulled out a change of pajamas and rid himself of the offending garment despite Levi’s half hearted squeak of protest. When he was done getting changed, he sighed in relief and curled up on the blow-up mattress on the floor. His arms wrapped around himself and he buried his nose in his knees.

Levi looked down at his pitiful form.

“You can sleep on the bed, if you want.” he said softly. His hands were bunched nervously in the smooth fabric of his jacket. Eren just shook his head where he lied.

With a small sigh, Levi grabbed the folded blanket from where it was on the floor and wrapped it around him, making sure to tuck it under his shoulders and keep his nose above the cloth. He took one of the pillows he didn’t use and fluffed it, rested in within reach of Eren’s head in case he needed it.

“Wake me up if you need me, okay? And when you wake up in the morning as well. I won’t be angry.”

Eren nodded, and Levi knew that it was the best he was going to get.

“Alright. Good night. You’re safe here,” he assured, before stripping to his boxers, getting into bed and flicking off the light. He managed to fall asleep in about half an hour of tossing and turning, and worrying, but managed to do so to the tune of Eren’s slow breathing.

Eren didn’t fall asleep until much longer after that.

When he did, he felt as though he was still awake -- except somewhere else. He couldn’t see. His vision was black, he couldn’t hear besides heavy breathing on his face, in his ears, hitting the small of his back and his shoulders and ears, brushing hotly against his stomach. It wasn’t warm or pleasant. It seared him, burning his skin and freezing his insides. He could feel the rough pads of fingers digging into his skin and stealing the air from his lungs.

He couldn’t feel his legs, couldn’t feel anything besides this _torture,_ couldn’t even manage to find breath and --

He woke up, gasping and covered in cold sweat, Levi’s name already frozen on his lips.

“Le -- Levi,” he choked out. “Help, please, help me,”

Levis was shooting up in bed before he got the second words out, bleary eyes searching the room for any danger and finding Eren, tangled in his sheets and panting hard, fingernails digging into the skin of his arms.

“Eren? Eren, listen to me, you’re safe, I’m right here,”

He reached out tentatively -- he wanted to touch his shoulder, but didn’t know if that would just make things worse.

Eren looked up at him, eyes wide and terrified, breath stuttering in his chest, before he nodded quickly and let go of his arms. “Would you -- can I --” he mumbled. “Can you just...hold me? Until I fall asleep?”

Levi paused for a moment. But then he found himself moving over and nodding, becoming Eren to lie next to him, was wrapping his arms around him and tucking his face into his chest, and relaxing back into the pillows.

He sighed, fingers soothing in his hair, and fell asleep in seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember to like and stay subscribed for more videos
> 
> I still want your weird fetishes for smut bc this fic is gonna be here for a while
> 
> Also I'm looking for a betta for this fic? my normal betta can't read this bc sexual assault triggers, but you guys can *aggressive finger guns and winking* Comment or hmu on tumblr at The-mega-trans-sjw


	9. Tough Guy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tough Guy by Cyberbully Mom Club -- Eren works things out and Levi is not a therapist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> help me

Eren woke up to a cold nose and a warm body.

He felt safe -- safer than he could remember being before he fell asleep -- and when he turned over, he felt arms wrapped loosely around his torso.

He managed a content sigh, and nuzzled backwards into the warm chest resting against his shoulders.

The hard muscle pillowing his head shifted, and Eren whined in protest as the warmth pulled away from him.

Levi rested a hand on his shoulder. He eased Eren down onto his back and pulled the blanket up to his chin, tucked it around him and moved one of the pillows so it rested where he had been. He stroked a lock of hair out of Eren’s forehead. Eren felt warm breath on his forehead for a moment, and his eyes flitted open. “Levi?” he muttered, vision still blurry with sleep.

Levi chewed on his lip. “Goodmorning.” he whispered. “I’m sorry for waking you up.”

“Why are you going?”

He looked down at his hands, clasped in front of him with a black hair tie twisting between his fingers methodically. “I, uh -- I have to shower. I’m sorry.”

Recognition passed in Eren’s eyes, and he nodded. “It’s fine, you don’t need to apologize.”

“Sorry,” Levi muttered instinctively, and Eren smiled sadly.

Eren pulled the soft down blanket up to his nose and wormed his way into the mattress. “Go, shower. I’ll be okay.”

“Are you sure? You could -- I don’t know,”

He shot him a look. “Levi, you’re not going to be able to keep yourself from doing it, and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Just go.”

With a frown, Levi battled with his thoughts, before deciding to duck down and press a chaste kiss to Eren’s forehead and dash off to the private bathroom attached to his dorm room.

He stripped off his sweaty button up shirt and jeans he had slept in -- _gross,_ he thought to himself as he dumped them in the hamper -- and flicked the nob that turned on the hot water. He waited as steam filled the room before he turned the fan on. He enjoyed the way the dampness in the air washed over his tired form like a sauna. It was more relaxing than letting the burning water sear his skin, felt just as clean, despite the grime probably growing on his hands and feet.

Levi pulled his box of cleaning supplies out from under the cabinet in his sink and set it down on top of his towell. He get into the shower, picked up a loofah, and began to scrub vigorously at his body.

He did this every morning. It was like something sat underneath his skin and told him to, warned him that he was getting dirty, filthy, that no one would want to be around him. He could smell it even if it wasn’t there. Even if he had showered just before going to bed, he would still feel the crushing need to do so in the morning. Eventually, he just started to adapt. He fed into need, let himself complete the compulsion even if the medical world didn’t want him to. Somethings just weren’t worth fighting.

Levi had never thought of this as taking away from his life until he woke up to see Eren first thing in the morning and realized he didn’t want to get up.

Sighing, Levi continued to scrub at his thighs, his calves, his feet, before coming back to rub his hands together with the soap under the burning hot faucet until the itching under his skin faded to a low, dull throb. Finally, it disappeared all together. Levi soothed his body down to the floor and sat there under the spray of the water until he felt guilty for wasting time while Eren was still sleeping on his own.

The cleaning supplies were calling to him.

With a heavy sigh, he reached for the spray of bleach and water and spurted the floor of the bathtub, the faucet, the sides, the inner part of the shower curtain, before removing the hand held shower faucet from the wall and using it to wash the fluid down the drain.

He stepped out of the shower onto the mat -- and cursed loudly.

He forgot to bring clothes with him.

Cursing himself, he wrapped his towel snuggly around his waist and rushed out the door into his room.

Levi wade a bee-line for his dresser and rummaged through it quickly, much slower with one hand gripping the towel at his hips, and managed to grab a set of clothing that would work. He turned around, planning to rush right back into the bathroom, when He saw Eren sitting up in bed, looking at him curiously.

“Hi.” Levi said, voice slightly higher pitched than usual.

“Hello,” Eren mumbled. He looked up into Levi’s eyes. “Would it bother you if I used your shower?”

Levi shook his head frantically. “Not at all,” he squeaked. “You’re clean. It won’t bother me, I’ll just clean it tonight, and I normally do that anyway.”

Eren nodded thoughtfully and stumbled from the bed towards his bags.

With a pained look, Levi watched as he trudged, his head ducked down as if to his his face, shoulders curled forward around himself for protection. It saddened him to see his normally bright faced and positive, smiling self look so vulnerable.

“If you need anything,” Levi said softly, unsure how to even complete the thought with the proper emotion conveyed.

Eren nodded knowingly and ducked into the steamy bathroom.

Levi sat down on the floor and groaned into his hands. He was so fucked.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

When eren got out of the shower, his skin glowed bright red just as Levi’s had.

“You can balance the temperature so it isn’t so hot,” he said quietly.

Eren nodded. “I know,” he said, and offered nothing else on the topic as he plopped his backpack back on the ground and sat cross-legged on the floor.

Levi leaned backwards against the base of his bed and wound his fingers in the thick strands of his short carpet. He rubbed his socked foot against the fabric beneath him. The sensation of the friction on his foot was almost calming.

In a daring move, he looked up underneath his bangs and peered at Eren’s face. Eren was scratching at the skin just above his elbows with his nails, absentmindedly chewing at his bottom lip. He was curled forward around himself -- he looked so...so uncomfortable it killed Levi to see him like this he just wanted him to be _okay_ \--

“Eren?” he asked.

“Yeah?” Eren whispered back, looking up with eyes wider than Levi had remembered.

Levi tugged at the carpet. “Do you want to go get breakfast? I’ll buy you something from the cafe. I have to go to work this afternoon, but only for a few hours, and I don’t want to leave you inside all day.”

“I’m not a dog,” Eren sighed, though there was no humor in his face.

Levi smiled. “I know, but -- I don’t want you to be alone.”

Eren crossed his arms and didn’t respond.

“C’mon,” he said, standing and reaching to tug him to his feet. Eren stood without protest, but kept his eyes low, his face blank and arms wrapped around him. He followed Levi as he stuffed his feet into sneakers and led him out the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Levi bought him an egg sandwich from the cafe, despite his protest and half hearted offer to pay, and placed it in his hands. He watched him as he reluctantly ate the whole thing, encouraging him when he frowned and attempted to assure Levi that he wasn’t even that hungry.

They went back to the apartment so Levi could change into his work clothes. He gave him a firm hug and squeezed him close, and assured him that he would come right back home when he got off and that he would text him periodically throughout the whole time.

“If anything bad happens, I’ll just text Armin or Mikasa,” Eren mumbled, shying away from the attention.

Levi’s face fell.

“Not that anything bad’s going to happen!” Eren rushed to amend.

It hurt Levi more that Eren had to assure him, instead of being assured by Levi.

As he got into the rhythm of doing his job, he began to wonder just how strong he really was.

Levi always had to be strong. He grew up in the foster system after all, after his mother died. He had originally lived with his uncle, a hard man named Kenny, but when he stopped being able to cover up the bruises on his arms and the state looked into where they had occurred, he was ripped away and forced into an even worse situation.

The next family knew how to hide the marks. The woman’s husband was docile, harmless even, but sometimes at night she would get so angry at him and the other two boys there that she’d throw plates, food, the table even, anything, cover them in it and hit them so precisely the skin never bruised. The dull ache Levi dealt with that year was worse than the throbbing pain Kenny had caused.

He ran away from his third foster home when he was fifteen.

Levi decided that he could do it on his own -- he had jokingly told his friends that he could just become a sex worker if he needed to -- but that nearly became a reality. Living as a homeless teen in the city and avoiding the police was already difficult, finding an income to keep himself afloat and fed was even worse. He almost did it, one night. He was so hungry the pain in his stomach reminded him of his first foster mother and he just wanted _money_ for the first time in his life that he clenched his feet and walked out of his safe alley and lifted his head up, removing his jacket and wallet and tucking them away in a safe nook, exposed his neck and arms, sauntered along like he wasn’t sleeping on concrete every night like he had seen the other kids on the street do -- and he couldn’t do it.

He found himself scrubbing at his skin at the shelf just above a man-made pond. He couldn’t discern the pond water from the tears falling down his shaking form.

Levi grit his teeth together and finished scrubbing down the counter. Cleaning was encouraged, but if he did it too often and too thoroughly while no one else was there to man the cash register it was bad for business. If he went any farther into personal musings, he would force himself to clean everything around him until he felt less disgusted.

His hand ghosted down to his pocket and pulled his phone from his pocket, balanced it just in front of the cash register and sent a short text as discreetly as possible.

“Texting your boy toy?”

Levi jumped a foot in the air.

“Bless the trees, Hanji, give me a little warning before you sneak up on me!” he muttered, pressing a hand to his beating heart. They just cackled, stepping away from his ear and leaning onto the counter behind them.

“Sorry about that,” ze chuckled. “Couldn’t help myself. But you didn’t answer my question, did you?”

Levi rolled his eyes. “I’m texting him, if you’re referring to Eren when you say ‘boy toy.’”

Hanji’s wide grin grew even wider as ze stared Levi down, stepping forward as if stalking prey. “Is that so? How are things going between you?”

With a noncommittal shrug, he looked back at his phone to check if Eren had responded yet. He had, a simple “no” at Levi’s asking him if anything had happened.

“They’re...okay, I guess. Between us. He --” Levi stopped himself mid sentence. “We were at a party, and some guy was harassing him pretty badly. Tossed him around a bit. His friend found him and scared the guy off, but he’s still pretty shaken up about it.”

Hanji hummed sympathetically, and nodded hir head. “Ouch. That’s gotta suck.”

Levi nodded, but turned his attention towards the couple entering the store. He welcomed them with as much enthusiasm as he could, plastered a fake smile to his face and took their order, gave them their change as Hanji made zerself busy behind him by making the drinks.

He checked his watch. Just two more hours, and he could get home.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

After packing up and getting everything in the store ready for Hanji and Erwin to take over, Levi rushed up town and ran up the stairs to his apartment.

He swung open the door and found Eren, lying on his back in the middle of the bed, nails digging into his arms as he stared up at the ceiling.

“Hey, are you okay?” Levi asked gently as he toed his shoes off.

Eren gave him an aborted nod, before he turned on his side and lifted his phone. “The detective called,” he said in a low voice.

“Is that a good thing?” Levi asked softly.

With a terrible shrug and slightly teary eyes, Eren looked up at him. “It was just to tell me that...that they had a lead. But they haven’t --” he cleared his throat. “They haven’t found _them_ yet. Or Grisha.”

Levi nodded thoughtfully, looked down at the carpet, unsuspecting to Eren falling forward and wrapping his arms around him.

He recognized the tears on his shoulders and the shuddering of Eren’s back and just leaned forward into the embrace. He knotted his fingers in his hair and in his shirt, moved them back so he could sit on the bed with eren curled around him. He whispered soothing words into his ears as he shook, cried into the juncture of his neck.

Levi buried his nose in Eren’s soft air and breathed in.

“I’m sorry,” Eren muttered after a few minutes, hiccuping and slightly dizzy with sadness.

“Don’t be,” Levi whispered. “You’ve nothing to be sorry about.”

“But…” Eren clenched his fists, his teeth, and looked up at Levi with pure anger in his expression. “I’m not strong enough for this! I feel so shitty, all the time, and it hasn’t even been a day and I already just want it to be _over_ \--”

Levi smoothed down his mop of brown hair and kissed his forehead. “It’ll be better. It’ll be better, I promise, but it can’t for a while. Emotions just don’t go away that quickly. It’s _okay_ for you to be hurting now, it’s normal.”

“How would you know?” Eren grumbled. He stuffed his face in his hands and leaned into Levi’s chest.

“I was almost a street walker, when I was a kid.”

Eren froze. “You --”

“Yeah, I know,” Levi chuckled. “Don’t seem like the type, right? What can I say, I was homeless and hungry, didn’t have any skills.”

He nodded thoughtfully, sniffling. “Did you?”

“No, thank god. I freaked out. Started cleaning myself obsessively. The next day, I overheard one of the other kids who lived on the same streets talking to his buddy. I heard him mention something about a group -- all you had to do was survive initiations and do them a couple favors, they’ll give you food, and the place they lived was _so_ much warmer than the benches we slept on at night --” Levi shook his head. “I didn’t even know what I was getting into.”

“You joined a gang.” he said. Outright. A fact. And Levi couldn’t disagree.

He shrugged noncommittally. “Yeah, you could say that. And I’m still not totally okay with what happened to me that year. And I don’t _need_ to be. Life moves on and things got better, eventually, but if they got better immediately….I don’t think that’s right.”

“It would be nice,” Eren grumbled. “I feel so -- like it’s going to happen again. I feel like they’re here, like he’s going to --”

Levi gripped his shoulders tightly as he shivered and burrowed into the bedspread. “Shh, I’ve got you, you’re safe,”

And suddenly, there were lips on his and hands on his and a body on his and he was so _warm_ , so fast --

Eren’s hands gripped his, pressing against him until their chests were flush together. Their noses bumped and their teeth clacked slightly, lips fitting against each others. Levi felt his brain melt -- al coherent forms of thought fell from his brain except _Eren_ , Eren was touching him, grabbing at him, so close it was suffocating and yet he could finally breathe, could finally truly feel. He sucked in a deep breath through his nose as Eren weaved a hand through his hair and scratched at the short, prickly hair of his undercut, as if he could breathe him in like oxygen.

He pulled away before he could forget completely how to breathe.

His eyes, which had fallen closed -- why couldn’t he remember closing his eyes? -- opened to behold the boy leaning over him with both hands fisted in his black work shirt. Eren looked down at him with shining eyes, chocolate hair falling into his face. He chewed on his lip. “I’m sorry.” he whispered

“Don’t be.” Levi gasped. “Never be sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW okay. So. I have some issues. Yeah. Hopefully over the weeks recovery will get better? I don't know? but when it does my writing will as well? I'm sorry. Anyway this is the peak -- things WILL get better in this story, I promise. Eren will be okay.


	10. Holding on to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm holding onto you, waiting forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of reincarnationy-esq, but not really. If you catch it high five.
> 
> There's a lot of anxiety in this chapter, just a head's up.

Levi let Eren fall asleep in his arms.

It wasn’t hard, after that, to lie there, warmth seeping off the boy draped over him, the slow rise and fall of his chest rhythmical and in sink with Levi’s own heartbeat. Falling asleep, on the other hand --

He felt like he was losing more sleep over this than Eren was. Which is terrible, of course, he shouldn’t think that this was possibly affecting him in the same way (whatever ‘this’ was), but it only brought up more memories of his own recovery. Not that he actually recovered from anything until years after, but --

There it was.

Levi felt a strike of fear in his heart, gripped Eren’s shoulder and held him closer. _No,_ he thought to himself. No, Eren would fare better than himself. He had to. He _must._ For someone like Eren to experience what Levi had...Levi’s own experiences didn’t bother him anymore, but Eren...Eren was different. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but something about him _mattered._

Eren’s body froze at the tensity of Levi’s fingers on his arm. He was too busy trying to make sense of his own thoughts when he started shaking. Eren’s body went completely rigid, before he began to shake, his fingers trembling and back contorting above Levi’s chest. He was thrashing before Levi could let go.

His teeth bit down on Levi’s wrist, and his mouth flew open, eyes screwed up in sleep. “Nnn-no!” A strangled gasp left his throat.

Levi pulled away from him and stared, unsure of what to do -- thousands of thoughts ran through his brain, each one less coherent than the last. One, stood out to him. _Hold him,_ it urged.

His arms wrapped around Eren without his body’s consent and he was holding him -- whispering into his hair, rocking him back and forth, holding his arms down by his sides so he couldn’t hurt himself in sleep, only relaxing when the tears stopped flowing and his form stopped shivering.

Levi relaxed back into the sheets, holding Eren in his arms until the night terror ran its course.

It took him a few minutes in silence to realize his own heart was beiting as fast as Eren’s had been.

Levi resolved to not let this continue. He didn’t know how he would do it, but he had to make sure that Eren fared better than himself.

~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey, Eren,”

“No.”

Levi paused, mid bend, his arms stretched out to grab a sock from the floor when he registered the venom in Eren’s voice.

“Hey,” he started, leaning away from the ground and towards where Eren was sitting on the carpeted floor, knees pulled up to his chest. “You didn’t even know what I was going to say.”

“I’m not going to class today, and I don’t want to leave the apartment.”

Levi sighed, and plopped down on the ground next to him. “That’s not what I was going to ask, but I would still recommend you at least taking a walk with me for some exercise.”

Eren looked away. His fingers locked together in front of his knees, his socked toes digging into the carpet, his eyes furious and with an underlying -- Levi hated to notice this -- sadness.

“What were you going to ask?” he asked softly.

With a shrug, Levi scooted closer to him and rested his head back on the mattress of his bed. “I was going to ask if you wanted me to set up an appointment with the school therapist.”

He was quiet for a moment. Eren’s mouth opened, as if to formulate a respons, but he quickly shut it and looked back down to the floor. It was a few minutes before he found his answer.

“I don’t -- I don’t think so.”

“Think?”

Eren huffed, frustrated. “I don’t want to need help. And If I do that, it’s -- what if they --” he sighed and buried his nose in his knees. “Nevermind.”

Levi placed a hand on his shoulder. “No, tell me. It’s okay, you can trust me.”

“I don’t want them -- I don’t want someone to put me on drugs again.”

Levi frowned. He remembered telling Eren his own story last night and furrowed his brow in disbelief. “Eren, if this is about --”

“No, it’s not,” he said, exasperated. “When I was a kid, my dad...he was involved in drug trafficking. That’s why he was in jail in the first place. But one night, he was high out of his mind, that bastard, and thought it would be a good idea to use me to check the supply.”

He shivered, but grabbed Levi’s hand when he tried to pull it away, interlocked their fingers and held them there against his shoulders. Levi looked at him with wonder -- and a little bit of fear -- and held on.

“It was terrible.” he whispered. His voice was low, fast and quiet. So quiet Levi almost couldn’t hear him when he forced out the words, pushing them from himself at such a tongue tangling speed as if he were afraid that if he couldn’t get them out in time, they’d stay within him forever. “I was so young, so I didn’t know what was going on, all I knew was that I couldn’t feel _anything._ I guess it’s supposed to take the sadness away, and replace it with bliss or some bullshit but it just took _everything._ ” He choked out a sob. Shaking his head, he whispered once more, “I don’t want to feel anything like that again. I don’t want this, whatever this disgusting feeling is, but I don’t want that either. I can’t do it.”

After that, Levi couldn’t find the words to say.

He didn’t know how to console him -- he wanted to tell him that it would all be better. He wanted him to know that things would be okay, and quickly.

The only problem was, he knew that if he tried to tell him anything like that, he would be lying.

So he didn’t say anything. He just held him there and waited, waited for a sign, for Eren to finish crying, or maybe for his own memories to catch up and tell him what to do differently, he didn’t even know anymore, but he did. He waited. He could wait with Eren for lifetimes.

~~~~~~~~~~

That night, Eren had another night terror. He didn’t wake up -- just like the night before, he seemed unable to remember what had happened when he woke up in the morning.

Levi wondered if Eren really forgot them, or he didn’t want Levi to know.

(And maybe, he was hoping for the former.)

(That would just make things easier.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He wanted to think that they were making progress. He really did. Eren was opening up -- even just a little bit, he was trusting Levi with his past. He managed a small smile once or twice. Took shorter showers. Stopped trying to scald his own skin off in an attempt to forget what it felt like with hands on it. He cried, of course, but he didn’t try to hide it from Levi.

But was this personal, or progress for the both of them?

While Levi wanted to be close to Eren, he felt like he could just be his way of forgetting. He didn’t want that.

(Maybe, if he thought of it differently, he could just say it was a normal relationship -- but then he was being unfair, both to himself, and Eren. And he couldn’t do that to him.)

One morning he woke up early to buy them breakfast, and came back to find Eren, awake despite it being eight in the morning when he would normally wake up after noon, clean and dressed for the day.

“What’s up?” he asked.

Eren frowned at him, either frustrated or determined, Levi couldn’t tell. “I’m going to class. I have one at nine, so I just decided to get ready so we could eat together.”

Levi raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure?” he asked. The weight of the question was heavy in the air, but Eren nodded like it was the simplest thing in the world.

“Of course I’m sure. What did you get for breakfast?”

“A blueberry muffin?”

“Perfect.”

Eren took one of the brown paper bags from his hand and opened it, sitting down on the carpet like usual. He was wearing the black Adidas sweatpants that cinched in at the calves and made Levi absolutely weak, a well fitting blue pocket tee with the sleeves rolled up, his hair washed but not combed, curling slowly around his ears and the nape of his neck -- Levi felt his heart skip a beat.

He shook his head, scolding himself internally. Something about Eren was… _off._ He was clean, eating, waking up early, and yet, his eyes held the same tired emotion and there were bags at the top of his cheeks. A key symptom of his terrible sleeping patterns

Trying to ignore how much worry he felt for the boy, he held out the little cardboard drink container for him as well and sat cross legged in front of him. “I got you a coffee, too, if you want it.”

Eren looked up at him with wide eyes. “Yeah, thanks,” he murmured before taking it and taking a sip. He grinned shyly at Levi and leaned forward.

Levi stilled before he knew what was happening. Eren’s lips pressed against his, folding against him gently as his cold hands snaked over his shoulders. He tasted mint toothpaste and a hint of coffee, felt the warmth of their foreheads pressing together. Eren’s hands on him and he was gripping his shirt before he could talk himself out of it. This was only the second time they had kissed that week, and Levi was craving it.

His veins lit up under his skin, burning, hot and unbearable and he _needed_ it, needed Eren to stay _right there_ or he felt like he would explode.

And then he was pulling away. Eren looked into his eyes, resting his forehead against his, their noses still touching. He could feel warm puffs of breath on his own and could smell his own soap on his skin.

“What was that for?” he whispered, the movement of his lips causing them to brush against Eren’s.

He just shrugged. “I felt like it. Aren’t I allowed to do that?”

Levi’s expression softened. “Of course,” he said, his heart screaming at him to stop. “You’re always allowed to do that.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Levi spent his entire work and school day thinking about him. Of course, studying law, the majority of his classes either didn’t require attendance or had a sign in sheet, so he didn’t need to go if Erwin was there to sign and take notes for him, but he always felt guilty for making him do that for him. Besides, with Eren living in his apartment, he couldn’t exactly cram all night for the frequent quizzes and tests.

He normally would just stop caring if it was so difficult, but something about the recent week made him want to try harder.

He went to all three classes he had that day (it was his busiest) before stopping back at his apartment for his work clothes, and making his way back to inner campus where Trost’s Coffee was. Erwin and Hanji were both there to greet him.

“Hey, shitty-glasses,” he muttered, his voice lacking its usual venom. 

Erwin frowned. “What, no comment?”

Levi looked up at him and noticed his eyebrows looks a bit more trim than usual. He rolled his eyes. “They still look bigger than greenland, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

With a huff, Erwin moved behind the counter to sit on the back shelf next to Hanji, even though that was definitely against the rules, him not being an employee and all.

Instead of walking all the way around the counter, Levi just vaulted over it right next to the cash register.

“You know, if Nile comes you could get banned from the cafe, and then you wouldn’t be able to bother us anymore.”

“And what a shame that would be,” Hanji muttered sarcastically, squealing as Erwin picker hir up and threw hir over his shoulder.

Levi sighed, facing the inside of the cafe and ignoring the cries of “put me down!” and “take it back!” behind them as his friends tousled. His thoughts, once again, wondered to Eren.

That kiss...oh god, he didn’t know what he was going to do. Fuck, his _eyes,_ just thinking about them could make Levi’s heart stop.

But what if he was only doing it to feel better? What if he didn’t even really like him? What if he wouldn’t ever be able to?

The thoughts made him cringe. He didn’t want to think about it like that, because he knew he was selfish. If Eren wanted to use him like that, he would let him. He would abandon self respect and let him, telling himself untruths just to make himself happy. He didn’t know why, but he knew that he would do it. And that scared him. It scared him so much. He didn’t want to be vulnerable, he didn’t want for his emotions to take control of him again, he had to be stronger than that.

(But he was so fucing weak for him already.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When he made three different drinks incorrectly in a row during the cafe’s rush hour, Hanji forced him to go home. Ze could see the pain in his eyes and his discomfort, knew what he was probably thinking, and took over his jobs with ease. As he protested ze simply forced the mistake of a drink into his hands and glared at him, instructing to clock out.

With a sigh, Levi did what ze told him to do, hopped onto his bike, and pedalled back to his dorm.

He knew Eren was there before he even unlocked the door.

He was pacing back and forth, dashing across his floor in a hurried walk, his feet hitting the thin floors hard enough for Levi to hear as he walked up to the room. He unlocked the door, swing it open, only to be surprised by Eren jumping nearly a foot in the air at the sight of him.

Eren was shaking. Both hands were looped around his own form, fingers knotted in his blue shirt, eyes wide and panicked. At the sight of Levi, he let out a small gasp. “Oh,” he muttered, looking down to the ground and continuing his pacing. “It’s you. Sorry,” he added, like an afterthought. “I was scared.”

“Are you still scared?” Levi asked, and Eren nearly crumbled.

“I shouldn’t have had the coffee,” he muttered, hands reaching up to grip his hair between his fingers, tugging violently. “I shouldn’t have had all of it.”

Levi walked up to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. He tried to ease both of his hands down so he wouldn’t hurt himself, but they just collapsed around his sides and he fell forward onto Levi’s chest. “What are you talking about?” he asked in a low voice, trying to sooth him by stroking his back.

“The caffeine,” Eren choked out. His breath was stuttering. “My heart -- it’s beating so fast, and my stomach -- Levi, please, how do I make it stop?”

The pieces clicked together in Levi’s mind, and he realized what was going on. He gripped both of his shoulders and lowered Eren onto the floor, helped him into a sitting position with his knees in front of his chest, and tucked his head between his legs. “Breathe, Eren,” he whispered, rubbing small circles into his back. “You’re doing so good, you’re going to be okay, you can do it,”

He continued to murmur nothings into his ears until his breath was smooth again and the tears stopped falling as quickly. Levi stared at the small wet stain in the frayed carpet.

Eren lifted his head. He had the same wild look in his eyes -- Levi thought he resembled a cornered animal, tears running down his face and fear in his expression. “Talk to me,” he whispered, gripping the sides of his face in both hands.

He swallowed thickly. “I had too much energy,” he whispered finally, meeting Levi’s gaze. “All of a sudden -- the anxiety just got worse. I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t _breathe,_ Levi there’s something wrong with me,”

“There’s nothing wrong with you. There never will be.” Levi whispered. He kissed his head gently and pulled him forward until he rested against Levi’s lap and chest. “Noting, Eren.”

“But I’m broken.” he choked out. His tears were dry, all that was left inside of him was heavy sobs.

“So am I,” Levi said gently. He wound his fingers in Eren’s chocolate brown hair and held him their, holding him, waiting. He would wait for lifetimes.

(And he was completely okay with that.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't drink coffee when you have trauma induced anxiety. Or any kind of anxiety. Caffeine just screws up your system, man.
> 
> I tried out a new writing style for the slow build aspect of this fic, hmu up and tell me how it went! Also yes I know my use of parenthesis was grammatically incorrect, I took a creative liberty. You can do that when you have phenomenal cosmic powers.  
> Tumblr is the-mega-trans-sjw so hmu


	11. Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'll go to sleep early when I find something worth waking up for" -- Flatsound, sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plz like me writin, pals )))

Honestly, Levi thought he was going to have to do a lot more waiting.

As soon as he woke up, it was to Eren pawing at his chest, rubbing at his neck with his nose, a hand wound in his hair.

“Are you even awake?” he mumbled, voice thick and muddled with sleep.

Eren nodded into his skin, lips ghosting across his collarbones. “Very awake.” he mumbled.Levi felt him smile against his skin, felt a flash of heat in his stomach. Suddenly, he was very much awake.

Levi placed a hand at the back of his head, not pushing him away, but not pulling him closer either. “And what exactly are you doing?”

With a small smile, Eren maneuvered himself under the blanket until he was resting over Levi, and leaned down to kiss him teasingly at the corner of his mouth.

Levi kissed him back -- his lips moving without his permission, leaning up into him too needily, too quickly, too much at once -- until he completely backed away and stared down at him. “I’m kissing you, aren’t I? Or do you not want me to?” Eren asked, a smug look behind his eyes telling Levi that in actuality, he knew the answer to both of those questions.

“I’m okay,” he choked out, heart fluttering with happiness. “You can --”

Before he could get the words out, Eren was on him -- kissing him, hands on his waist and his hair and chest and stomach and the sides of his face and _everywhere_ , everywhere all at the same time and it was so much, so much Levi was gasping at it already. He reached up and planted both of his palms across Eren’s back. His fingers curled, nails biting into the soft fabric of Eren’s sleep shirt. He was so _warm,_ so hot it suffocated him and he couldn’t get enough. Levi took a deep breath in through his nose, pressed his forehead against his.

Suddenly they were turning -- pressure on his waist, fingernails digging into the strip of skin on his back just below his sleep shirt, and he was resting between Eren’s legs. Levi could have sworn that they had caught fire.

His courage growing (or maybe it was just his consciousness leaving him), Levi planted his hands on Eren’s thighs and leaned up on his knees, pressing their chests together. He tasted like mint and coffee, even from yesterday. Despite the aching heat, Levi shivered as their tongues brushed against each other, Eren’s sliding against his, hot and wet, licking his mouth open.

And then everything was cold.

The muscles of Eren’s thighs clenched underneath him, freezing up and flinching away from him for just a second and Levi was off him before he even realized he was moving.

Levi grabbed both of his hands and held them in front of him like a lifeline. “Eren? Are you okay?” he choked out, voice hoarse and low pitched. He looked up and saw tears running down his face.

“Yes,” No, he wasn’t okay, “Keep going,” No, he couldn’t, Levi couldn’t do it, not now, he backed away, not -- _“Levi!”_

A heavy sigh fell from his lips. Levi pressed his forehead against Eren’s shoulder and breathed in the scent of him. “You can’t do it, Eren.”

A small whimper escaped him. “But I want you to.”

“No, you don’t.” Levi looked into his eyes, watched as the greens and blues fell from him with the tears streaming down his cheeks. “You want me to make you forget. It’s too soon, Eren. It wouldn’t be healthy for you to forget now. It’s okay to not be okay, but you can’t just use me to --”

“Levi, I need you to!” Eren interrupted him. His voice was broken -- higher pitched than usual, pain lacing every syllable. “I can’t keep feeling like this...I’m so disgusting, I’m dirty, and, and broken, and you make me feel safe and it’s the only way to feel like he’s not all over me all the time --”

“ _No,_ ” Levi practically yelled. “I can’t hurt people anymore!”

Eren shrunk backwards, hands still gripping at Levi’s shirt desperately, but he didn’t retaliate.

(He’d said too much.)

(Eren didn’t need this right now, he didn’t need to share his own problems.)

Levi pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead, his nose, and the corner of his mouth, before letting his forehead rest against Eren’s. “I’m not going to take advantage of you when you’re emotional, okay? That’s not fair to either of us.”

“You can pretend, if you want.” Eren whispered.

Levi looked down at him in horror.

_I don’t blame you, Levi, if you need to. Just do it._

Levi shook his head. _Don’t think of that now. He doesn’t know what he’s saying, he doesn’t know, he doesn’t think of you like that --_

He backed away again and sat cross legged beside him, pulled Eren forward so he sat limply against his lap. “I couldn’t.” He whispered. “And I don’t want to. I’ll be here for you forever -- but I won’t do that if it isn’t real.”

Eren shoulders shook with dry sobs, as if all of the sadness had drained from him through his tears and he was left with no other expression of pain than to let it vibrate off of him.

And Levi held him.

He held him for what felt like hours that turned into days, but also seconds, all at once and never at all.

Finally, Eren spoke up.”It’s worse,” he admitted, the words spilling out of him quickly, as if he were afraid he wouldn’t be able to get them out if he didn’t do it fast. “He dreams -- I still have bruises, here, on my hips, I can still feel his fingers on me when anything touches them -- whenever I’m in the shower I feel like I have to scrub my own skin off to feel clean.”

Levi already knew -- they were sleeping in the same bed, for God’s sake, he knew it was bad.

Eren wasn’t looking Levi in the eyes, but Levi could still see the incredible shame and embarrassment that was there. “I just want it to be gone. But I promise, I’m not pretending with you. I like you, a lot, and I want you, but it’s -- it’s hard, because I also want nothing. But I can’t _have_ nothing it I want _him_ to be gone. Please, Levi,” Eren finally met his eyes. “I like you. A lot. Please, believe me.”

Levi couldn’t believe him.

He wanted to, desperately, but he couldn’t believe that anyone, especially not this boy, could want someone like him after going through what he had. _He just wants a distraction,_ he thought to himself, his inner thoughts biting at him harshly. Levi didn’t blame Eren, though. He blamed himself. He blamed himself for not being able to stop it from happening in the first place.

Levi clenched his teeth. “If you won’t talk to someone else, will you talk to me?”

Eren shrugged. His eyes flitted away from Levi’s, hands clenched in the sheets below them. “I guess,” he whispered. Levi wasn’t exactly convinced, but he nodded, motioning for him to talk. With a tired huf, Eren wrapped his arms around himself and met his eyes. “I’m disgusting.” He said it like it was a bare fact, laid it across his lap for Levi to hear, a mutter barely loud enough to hear, but hot enough to scorch.

And Levi couldn’t say anything.

Maybe he wanted to, maybe he could, but he didn’t. Because he knew for damn sure that he felt the same way about himself and there was nothing anybody could say that would change his mind. Thinking that, hearing Eren say it, when it was one of the things he held so close to himself was shocking. Because for once, he felt something different -- _maybe we’re both wrong…._

But instead of saying that, ( _why can’t you tell him that_ ) he rubbed circles into his hands with his thumbs and whispered, with dread grasping at him from the inside, “Why do you think that?”

Again, another terrible shrug. “I feel him everywhere. I was too scared to run away. I couldn’t -- I don’t know, I just feel --”

“Like it’s your fault,” Levi murmured.

More for himself, but it still shocked him. The fingers grasping at his ribcage squeezed tighter -- he could barely breathe, he was so cold -- but he shook it off.

“Yeah,” Eren said. He had the same expression on his face that Levi felt on his own.

“Why?” he asked, raw horror in his voice. “Why...how can any of this be anybodies fault but the people who did it to us?”

Eren shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t need to.”

That was it. Its was those words that froze him, the chill running through his veins painfully cold, the burn of ghost skeletal hands ripping apart his organs. _I don’t need to._ He didn’t need to know to feel like a peice of shit.

Again, Levi didn’t remember moving -- only that he felt safe when he realized he was wrapped in Eren’s arms, his own clutching at the back of Eren’s shirt.

“Everything’s going to be okay --” he whispered. Only this time, it didn’t feel like he was trying to convince himself as well.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things stopped feeling awkward after that.

Levi had to let go of him to shower, apologizing profusely for leaving him alone, but Eren just let him go with a small smile. When he was there, cleaning up as usual, he felt something block at his throat and had to sit down for a second on the side of the tub, head clutched in his hands as the world spun around him.

The words that were there disappeared -- he knew what was going on, so it didn’t scare him, but he let out a frustrated huff anyway. _Of course, right when we’re talking it out healthily I go nonverbal. Just my luck._

He finished up in the shower and put all of his cleaning away, opened the door to let the puff of steam dissipate around the rest of his dorm room.

Eren looked up from the bed, hair ruffled in an almost comical manner, and Levi grinned softly. He looked adorable like that. Levi motioned towards the bathroom and Eren nodded. He stood up and grabbed his towel from the hook on the wall beside the door and closed it behind him.

Levi sighed as loud as he could. At least he didn’t have to sit right next to him in silence.

Or so he hoped.

When Levi had gotten dressed for work, hair dried and mused back until it fell over either side of his head, Eren pushed the door open and he still couldn’t say anything. “Are you leaving for work?” Eren asked, innocently, and Levi choked on his words.

_Not yet,_ he wanted to tell him, but his brain couldn’t figure out how to formulate those thoughts into verbal words. Instead, he typed something out on notes in his phone and held it up for Eren to see.

**Not yet. I go in in about an hour, so I’ve got some time. Do you want to come with me to get food?**

Eren seemed confused at first, but then understanding passed on his face. He nodded. “Sure, I’ll come with if you’ll let me pay.”

Levi rolled his eyes, but nodded.

And so they did.

They got to Titan cafe, and Levi cleared his throat, only to find a burst of relief waving off of his shoulders. “Finally,” he muttered to himself in a hoarse voice.

“You can talk again?” Eren asked.

“Yeah,” he muttered, embarrassed, grabbing for Eren’s hand. “This okay?” he asked, lifting their joined hands.

Eren blushed and looked at the ground. He squeezed his hand back.

And Levi couldn’t help himself anymore. “Will you go to therapy with me?” he blurted out.

Eren balked. They were just walking up to the cafe -- it was six in the morning, and almost no one was on the streets, and he was, obviously surprised. He hadn’t thought of that option. It still made him terribly uncomfortable, terribly _scared_ but it seemed...better. Almost.

“I -- I don’t know. Maybe? But I wouldn’t want to talk. I can’t do that?”

“Why not?”

He sighed. “I just...I can’t.”

“You can tell me, Eren, you know that, right? You can trust me with anything.” Levi said quietly, just in case Hanji was opening the cafe that morning and could over hear them. That kid had ears like a bat.

“I can’t take meds.” Eren blurted, a bit loud. He hushed himself and turned to Levi, both hands gripping his one. “I can’t do it again. I know what they’re supposed to do when you give them correctly -- they’re supposed to make the bad things go away. But they _don’t_ \-- they make _everything_ go away. I can’t --” he wiped a tear from his eye and screwed them shut.

Levi wrapped his arms around his shoulders and pulled the motherfucker down to his level for some hug.

Eren pressed his forehead into Levi’s shoulder. He didn’t cry. He had to take in a few deep breaths before he could pull away, but it didn’t matter to Levi.

“You don’t have to do anything, okay? You’re not a danger to anyone. They wouldn’t ever force you to take meds.”

He gripped his hair in both hands and shook his head. “What if that’s the only way?”

“Eren --”

“It’s worse, you know that.” he muttered. “The dreams, everything. It’s all worse, and it’s not just them anymore. It’s my dad and all the shit that happened with him too. I feel like it just happened all the time. What if the only way for me to forget this soon is fucking pills?”

Levi weaved his hands underneath Eren’s and pulled them away from his head, gripping them in his own instead. He leaned forward and up until he could press their foreheads together.

Just then, the cash register made a loud _clang_ , and Eren pulled away from him.

“Ooh! Sorry, don’t mind me, just...ya know, doing my job,” Hanji muttered, bustling around behind the counter. Levi sighed.

Eren squeezed his hand and tugged them forward towards the menu.

They ordered, received their food, and sat down as far away from Hanji as possible. Levi sipped his apple cider -- which was nice, but definitely not as tasty with a shot of espresso -- and looked at Eren.

Eren didn’t look back.

After minutes of sitting in silence, Levi checked his watch and sighed softly. “Do you have class today?” he asked.

“Only one that requires attendance.” he answered in a numb tone.

Levi’s heart clenched. He placed a hand on Eren’s and gave it a small squeeze. “I do. I’ll meet you afterwards at the apartment, maybe we could get dinner at the cafeteria and eat together back home?”

( _and talk_ ,)

( _and maybe listen to you laugh again, please_.)

(But he didn’t say that,)

Eren nodded.

Levi mustered up his best smile.

Work was a mess.

Levi couldn’t ignore the ominous feeling of dread in the back of his head, inside his ribcage. He managed to screw up four drinks and spill two before Erwin gave him his “look” and Hanji begged him to take his break early. He didn’t even protest, just made himself a drink and shotgunned half of it, made his way into the break room and plopped down. He pulled out his phone just as it started to buzz.

He frowned. It was an unknown number, calling him, right now, just as he was sitting down. It was either a heavy coincidence, or creepy, but he didn’t think about it when he clicked _accept call_ and brought it to his ear.

“Don’t move.”

At the first note of sound, Levi froze. “Who is this?” he asked, voice cracking.

A dark chuckle from the other end sent shivers racing down his spine. “An old friend.”

“What do you want?” Levi’s eyes narrowed. This couldn’t be good. None of his old “friends” were ever good for him, much less one that somehow knew where he was. He was supposed to be off the map. He still had contact with people at all the local police departments who knew about his… _questionable_ history, and were able to keep him informed and his real friends safe, so this shouldn’t be happening in the first place. Unless --

A tear was already falling at the thought, and the next grainy sentence that came from the phone speaker tore him apart. “Well, _Heicho,_ I want you to meet me at twenty-second, the abandoned postage office above the art museum, or your little boy toy will be getting it tonight. Don’t bring anyone, don’t tell anyone, or he dies and everything’s over.”

“You have Eren?” he whispered.

“I have my _son._ ” Levi’s heart skipped a beat.

“I’ll kill you,” he said, voice hoarse, and the line cut.

His bones froze. His heart started beating a mile a minute. And he stole himself, eyes hardening behind the initial tears, fingers digging into the flesh of his palms.

Heicho, no matter how long it had been since he had done a job, was ready to slaughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmu up on my Tumblr: I'm known as the-mega-trans-sjw and frequently post writing inspiration-related stuff, as well as advice for new authors, if you're into that. Obviously, as you can probably tell fro my url, I'm a huge gay.
> 
> Next chapter in two Saturdays, as per usual. Stay safe, lovelies. #prayforChristina


	12. My baby loves me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cyberbully Mom Club is one of the best underground bands I know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much Eren in this, I'm sorry. Hold out, reader-san!!!!

Levi’s hands were trembling so hard he nearly called his favorite pizza delivery place instead of Eren. His phone shook violently in his hands, vibrating and ringing as his hands clutched it.

“Pick up, pick up, pick up,” he muttered under his breath, pleading desperately for Eren to answer the phone.

It rang once, twice, thrice, before cutting off. “ _Hi, this is Eren, I’m busy right now --_ ”

“Shit!”

Levi’s chest ached with pain at the sound of his voice, light and carefree, unknown. It was probably recorded long before the accident. As he sprinted out of the cafe, he found wetness on his cheeks. He didn’t even remember starting to cry. Levi wiped away the tears without looking back, and sprinted off to the location.

It was too much.

He had said that often these past few days, hasn’t he? Was it really too much if he could bare it with pain? Levi grit his teeth and broke into a sprint. No, he could bear it. He could bear anything if it meant saving Eren. Even hurting people. Even resorting back to his own ways.

_Heicho…_ he hadn’t called himself that in months, hadn’t even had a reason to in years. Levi remembered when his homeboys had seen him angry and decided to name him just that. Lance corporal, the leader with the sword.

Levi frowned. He’d stabbed a man to death that night. He might have to do it again.

A sick grin found it’s way into his lips, twisting them back in a terrifying smirk. He had a plan.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Click.

Click.

Click.

_Click click click._ Eren shook his head violently.

He felt like his tongue had been removed, replaced by a wad of cotton. His head was fuzzy. His whole body held a dull ache of subtle, healing injuries,and he could barely open his eyes without feeling nauseated. _Where am I?_ he thought to himself. Eren’s brain ached inside him, particularly at the crown of his head.

Something dripped down his forehead -- was that blood, or sweat?

He shook his head again. It was painful to put that kind of stress on his neck, but his vision cleared for just a moment after he did. He saw...gray. Gray, and a pair of black work boots jutting out to the side. No, he was sideways.

Eren’s head rested against a concrete floor , a small pool of dried blood swimming into his vision.

Click.

Eren blinked. The boots moved. Their heels clicked against the stone flooring loudly, sharp against his sensitive ears.

“Are you awake yet, brat?”

He froze. That voice, that voice...it was terribly familiar. Eren’s muddled brain struggled to remember who that voice belonged to. When he did, it was already too late. A calloused hand gripped his chin and pulled him up roughly, and as he struggled, he found his arms were tied behind his back with zip ties, the plastic so tight it dug into his skin painfully.

“Don’t struggle, it wastes your energy. Here --” the other hand gripped his hair, as the first clutched his bicep. Something was tied around his elbow, and there was a sharp pain in his shoulder -- He tried to scream, _no, please no, don’t -- let go of me, please._

But he couldn’t speak. Eren could even protest as the drug flooded through his brain again and…

Nothing.

His muddled brain swam into darkness again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Levi’s legs ached from running in jeans, protesting the rough friction of hard cotton. He didn’t realise until he stopped them, hovering at the end of the street where the building was.

He shivered. The second Grisha muttered the first line of the address he had tensed. He knew where this was, what it was, he was one of the first members to actually use it -- Levi grit his teeth painfully hard. His arm lifted to absentmindedly scratch at the juncture of his elbow and upper arm.

Levi hadn’t felt a twinge there in years, but he was feeling it right now.

The building loomed over him, the broken windows catching the light of the sun that had just started its path of descent. With a sneer, Levi made to start the climb of the fire escape.

He didn’t make it.

As soon as he started to walk again there was a burlap sack thrown over his head, and he was being dragged backwards into an alley, up a different set of stairs. Levi just did as was told. Whoever was holding into his shirt brought him across a roof, shoved him forward against the ledge and barked at him.

“Stand on it.” they said in a gruff voice. Levi assumed they were a man by the harsh growl of his voice. He slowly lifted his foot, as if to test the waters, and the man pushed him bodily up onto the raised concrete.

“If you wanna live, you better take a big jump,” the man hissed. His sour breath flayed onto his neck. With a shiver, Levi lowered onto his haunches, before shooting forward and up.

A moment of quiet freedom, and his knees were cracking against a different concrete roof, about half a story below the first. A loud thump resonated beside his head. The man must have jumped after him, landing right beside his head. Levi seethed on the inside. Here he was, jumping over rooftops, when he should be rescuing Eren. Taking his place. Protecting him. _Hurting,_ if it came to that. Not just relaxing, following orders by some low-time thug with a bag over his head.

When the man grabbed his arm and tugged him up and onto his feet, he nearly growled.

But he didn’t (though he wanted to), he just followed him down into the building.

The bag was lifted from his head soon enough, only for a long, thin strand of yellowing rubber tube to be wrapped around his lower bicep and -- “No! Fuck no!”

“Just do as I say,” the man hissed, shoving him backwards onto the (seemingly) concrete floor and straddling his chest, pinning his shoulders down with his meaty knees. Levi struggled, throwing his head back in an attempt to get away from. The back of his head cracked against the hard flooring. He stared upward, the world fading around him to the tune of a needle in his arm, a man on his chest, bloody pain seeping away from his hair.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Levi woke up terrified.

He had always been an anxious tweaker back in his days, or, at least, that’s what his boys would call him. He would get high as fuck and come-to later with his wind going haywire. Whatever was in the high would dull all of his fear of being caught until the very end, where it would attack him all at once.

This was what was happening now.

Levi’s eyes snapped open. He felt foggy and gross, his head unable to focus on anything, the roof above him, the scent around him, the sharp pain in his arm muscles, the regret pooling in his stomach.

Guilt.

He had been clean for two years, and now...Levi hated himself, but his body still craved it. It wanted more. It knew that this high wasn’t as long, as hard, as _good_ as his old one’s had been, and it wanted another dose. A higher dose, a better quality dose. His body wanted for him to make the dose.

He shook his head.

Levi couldn’t think about this now, he needed --

Eren.

Levi shot up from where he was sitting. Or, rather, he tried to. He was tied painfully tight to a chair, the rough ropes digging into his flesh wherever they met his skin. A gag was hanging from his mouth. Somehow, in his drunken high he had drooled and babbled enough for a strip of tape to loosen enough to fall where it had been stuck. Levi nearly grinned. Even high as balls he knew what needed to be done.

Heichou ignored his nerves and stole himself. What needed to be done had to be done.

Target: Grisha Jaeger. Male. Unknown appearance. Concerns: Eren Jaeger. Two casualties, suspected more, completely excluding Eren, little police involvement if at all possible. Weapons were not plentiful. Fists and feet more valuable than anything else at this point.

Drugs are still in system, and given they were using slight ODs on heroin as a method of knocking out enemies, they gave little care for the survival of their captives.

Levi gritted his teeth as the anxiety swept over him again, instead choosing to focus on the subject of this mission. It wasn’t unlike things he had done before -- distract the other gang members (read: brutally murder them) and remove a homeboy from their grasps -- however this time, he wouldn’t be trying to steal their drug stash on the way out. Also, he wasn’t a teenager anymore. He wasn’t a druggie anymore. He wasn’t young and a heathen, he was better now.

He was a better person, but all that meant was that his game would be sloppy, which was worse for Eren’s survival.

A clapping sound woke him up from his internal planning.

“Heichou,” a man’s voice called out. “Good to see you again. Remember me?”

Levi’s head shot up. _Shit,_ he knew that voice. He knew that _face._ He knew who Grisha was. _No,_ he thought to himself. _Not him,_ he was the most powerful man he could have come in contact with. And he was the one in control of Eren’s fate.

Grisha wasn’t just some old ex-con druggie escaping parole, he was worse.

The leader of his rival gang, leader of the group that terrorized his homeboys. Teenagers ranging from thirteen to seventeen. They were all druggies, sure, but most of all, they were good people. _Young_ people, who just wanted to have a family. A safe family. The only way to survive was to sell drugs and steel, but at least they didn’t kidnap children and use them for their own sick game. Unlike the Titans.

Heichou snarled. “Little far away from Mitras for the King, isn’t it?” he asked. His voice was surprisingly sharp for someone who had just woken up from a black-out high.

He chuckled, sweeping his long dark hair (the same color as Eren’s, please stop thinking about it) out of his face and into a loose ponytail behind him. “I’m on the run, Corporal. You know, it’s a bit far away from Mitras for the lance leader of Bloody Wings too. Or have you gone soft?”

“Not as soft as I’d like.” Levi growled. “Wanna help me sharpen my blades?”

“You’re also far away from your little collection. If I remember the stories correctly, you had a nice little jacket with straps lining the insides, twenty knives lined up for you to use.”

With a terrible snarl, Levi lifted his chin. “What stories? There were never any survivors when I was sent in to beat your team of bastards out of a stash -- and an ass.”

A disgusting, appraising look from Grisha made a shiver run down Levi’s back. Before he realized what was happening, He was stepping forward at a swift pace until he could grab a handful of Levi’s hair and pull him up to face him.

“You’ll pay for that,” Grisha hissed.And then he grinned.

And Levi felt fear grip at his heart.

Grisha pulled a small walkie-talkie out of his back pocket and pressed a button, holding it up to his mouth and muttering, “You can start now.”

A pain filled scream ripped through the building. _Eren._

“No!” Levi choked out. “God, please, no, don’t hurt him!” The scream paused, before continuing, louder this time, and fear filled Levi’s veins.

Grisha chortled, and grunted into the microphone of the walkie-talkie. “Will you give me what I want?”

Levi nodded, head spinning at the motion.

“Submit to me.” he hissed. “Go ahead, do it. Say it, too. The lance corporal of the Bloody Wings working for the the King -- we could be the dream team. I’ll let Eren go, too. All you have to do is promise to work for me and my power for a year, and your little boy toy will be safe.

Levi hesitated, if only for a second, and Eren’s ear splitting screams rang out around him again.

“Fine! I’ll do it, I’ll do it! Just let him go!” he pleaded, lowering his eyes and face to show his status.

Grisha patted his head. “How am I supposed to know you’ll be loyal?”

Heichou stumbled on his words, silent. How? How could he do such a thing, even after loving Eren? He -- that was it. He loved Eren. That was all the motivation he needed, all the motivation he would ever need: Eren. and he stole himself, once more.

“I can’t help but admit I had thought of it before. An alliance, of sorts. Back when I was in Bloody Wings, your men terrorized us. I could have kept my boys safe, my _family_ safe, if only I had been able to get along with them.” Levi lifted his eyes. “Now...I’d love to serve you. To serve under you, in your ranks. I could be very useful -- I can make and barter with drugs, I won’t even want to take them anymore.”

This seemed to be enough for Grisha.

His bindings were cut. With a senile grin and giggle, Grisha stepped back to admire his handy work. Levi bowed -- and rocketed upward.

Fist collided with face, bone crushing together loudly, screams ricocheting around them, all to the sound of police sirens. Heichou grinned. He straddled Grisha’s chest and smashed his head against the filthy ground, punched his nose upward with the heel of his palm. He rained down on him with every bit of controlled fury he had.

Oh, if he had his knives with him, how pretty Grisha’s blood would be.

Something grappled with his back, and Heichou’s fist flew backwards as well, his feet, his nails digging into rough flesh, and blood, blood, blood…

_Blood._

A door slammed open. Levi looked down at his hands in horror.

_No,_ he thought. _Not again, please, not again._ Gritting his teeth, Levi balled his hands into fists. He felt like he was going to throw up, like he was going to pass out. He felt disgusting. He had done it again, and he hadn’t even been able to restrain himself.

“Levi, Levi, it’s okay, they’re gone,” _I know they’re gone, I killed them,_ “They can’t hurt you, or, or Eren, or anyone anymore. Listen to me.” _I am listening, but I -- I_ killed _some one,_ again. _It’s all my fault. All my fault. I’m_ disgusting.

He felt warm, familiar arms wrap around him, a soothing voice in his ear, and the drugs after shocks came into effect for long enough for him to ignore. Not the guilt, no, but the pain. Heichou fell into a deep sleep. Levi prayed Heichou would never have to wake up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The police were baffled as to how it happened.

Local abandoned building, gone up in gas flames -- they believed it to be some sort of gang related arsonal stunt, but no one could know for sure. Grisha Jaeger’s body, as well as that of four other notorious gang lords were found on the scene. The cops were grateful. So where the children of Jaeger, especially after being notified of the end in investigation. Jaeger’s entire bank account was awarded to the children.

Not even Levi’s closest friends bothered to ask him about what had happened that day. They didn’t want to know. They didn’t _need_ to know, not with their friend quietly happy after the events of the fire hit the morning news. Erwin, pre-med major himself, resolved to know as little as possible, despite the irony.

That leaves Armin, genius outsmarting blondie and his tag-along boyfriend Thomas. They might be the only student on campus who knew exactly what went down. And that was just how they liked it. Armin declared his major in criminology the next day.

Eren jaeger ignored the news after that night. He knew he was safe. His body might not, still gracing him most mornings with minor panic attacks and depressive lows, but he was managing. He could get by. He knew he would be okay, as long as he was waking up in the strong arms of his boyfriend.

This didn’t stop him from continuing to live off the grid, in someone else’s dorm, away from where his name was tacked up. He didn’t care that everyone knew exactly where he was every night, as long as he was there.

That’s just where he felt the safest.

Recovery was a rocky road for both of the dorks of this story, but it was a road they were managing to ride down, if only together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GET READY for next chapter :^) it's going to be all smut and fluff. Ya'll deserve it.


	13. Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHHH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for posting this so late tonight, camp NaNo is kicking my ass

A chill filled his veins.

Images flashed around in his head, plastering themselves to the inside of his eyelids. He couldn’t help but notice them -- the blood, the pain, the people...it was all his fault. _His_ compulsions, his violence, he was the reason they died.

He was the one that gave the orders. He always was the one. His best friends, his homeboys, his comrades, dead, before him.

Large creatures killing them, wide open mouths. Blood filling the streets. Knives in his hands. No, more than that -- not knives, swords.

Heichou.

_“Lance Corporal Levi --”_

Levi shot up in bed with the beginning of a shout on his lips. Darkness surrounded him, his blankets twisted around his legs. His chest was heaving. A light sheen of cold sweat covered him, and he felt comfortably warm --

A hand grabbed his and he nearly jumped a foot in the air.

“Fuck!”

“Nope, it’s just me,” Eren mumbled. He sounded groggy. He was looking up at Levi with a small smile on his face, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“You scared me,” levi murmured. He placed a hand on Eren’s forehead and pushed his hair out of the way. “I had a bad dream.”

Eren worried at his lip. “Was it about...the other night?”

Levi shrugged. “Kind of. It was more, though. I keep having these weird nightmares. I don’t know what they’re supposed to mean.”

Lanky arms wrapped around his waist and pulled him back down under the covers so Eren could press a short kiss to the underside of his jaw. Levi hummed, wrapping his own arms around Eren’s shoulders. He forced his head to shift on their shared pillow, pressed their lips together, and clutched him tighter.

This, this was what could help him. Not just kissing -- any kind of contact between him made him feel safe, reminded him that there Eren was, alive and warm and still loving him, despite all he had done to scare him away.

Sometimes his dreams bled into reality. The fear, the emotion, the nightmarish quality of everything, it was all solved by Eren.

Especially now, where their chaste kiss was turning especially languid. Eren bit at his bottom lip a bit roughly, gripping his hips with his thumbs and pulling him even closer. Levi’s shorter body fit against the length of him perfectly. He always felt positively swamped by Eren’s sheer size -- he wasn’t that much larger than him, but he was muscular and tall and would wrap himself around Levi tight enough to keep him warm, safe, close -- and it was enough.

Right now, it was more than enough.

Levi practically sang into the kiss as Eren’s fingers ghosted along the line of the hem of his boxers, pinky finger dipping down and stroking his skin, the pressure just soft enough to make him shiver. He wound his fingers through Eren’s hair. When Eren’s hands wandered up his back, under his shirt, he accidently raked his fingernails down his scalp -- Eren shuddered at that, and he did it again. 

With a groan, Eren rolled them over so Levi rested against his chest. He shifted a knee upwards and rested his calf against the small of Levi’s back.

Their hips were pressed flush against each other, and Levi swallowed hard. Heat started to build up in his gut -- Eren was so _hot,_ and close, and he just wanted him closer. Eren shimmied his hips back so Levi fell in between his legs, and he hissed. The small amount of friction was teasing -- but he held himself back, no matter how much he wanted to grind into him until they were both seeing stars.

He pulled away as Eren began to suck at his bottom lip, and rested their foreheads against each other. “Eren,” he breathed out. “Is this --”

“If you ask me if it’s okay, I’m going to castrate you.”

Levi frowned. He looked down at him with as much sternness as he could muster. “Please don’t be like that. You know what happened last time. You --”

“I freaked out, okay?” Eren sighed. “Look, I’m better now, okay? It’s been a while. I think I’m okay.”

“Think?”

Eren rolled his eyes. “Look, Levi, that’s the best you’re going to get.”

Levi frowned again.

Then Eren bit at his lip and raised an eyebrow, cocking it just enough to stare up at him with half lidded expression that practically oozed sex, and he couldn’t help but kiss him.

Eren smiled into the kiss and bit at Levi’s lip again. Levi hummed, gripped his hair harder, and pressed their chests flush together.

He let his hands trail down his neck, Eren’s shoulders, the hard muscle of his chest, just barely covered by the thin cotton shirt he wore to bed. His fingernails trailed down Eren’s sides and came to rest at his hips. He rubbed small circles into the strip of his skin just above the hem of his shorts with his thumbs -- Eren hummed loudly, nipping as Levi’s chin and moving lower until he could trail his tongue over the soft skin just behind his earlobe.

Levi shivered, heat wracking through him. His hands automatically moved to grip Eren’s bare thighs.

The second he tensed up, Levi pulled himself a foot away from him. “What? What happened, are you okay?”

Eren nodded with vigor and tried to pull Levi back down over him, but Levi was having none of it.

“No, no. Stop, Eren, please,” he muttered, and Eren looked up at him. Concern filled his features. He reached up to dradel Levi’s face with his hands.

“What’s wrong?”

“Eren, you’re shaking.” Levi said. He lowered his voice in an attempt to make it as soothing as possible. It didn’t have the same effect as he had hoped it would.

Eren’s frown deepened. He huffed, loudly, and feel back onto the pillow. A small noise of frustration fell from his lips. “I’m just --” his mouth flapped. He didn’t seem like he was able to think of something to say. He shook his head and grabbed Levi around the hips. “I’m scared, I guess? It reminds me too much of...you know. But I want it. I really want it, I just want it -- like --”

“We don’t have to do it like this if you’re not comfortable with that, we could just --”

And he was flying.

Well, more like turning. Eren gripped his hips and flipped them over until he was pining Levi down against the mattress, knees flanking either side of his thighs.

His hair was falling forward, into his face and eyes, and he needed a haircut desperately. The dark green of his eyes that glowed in the little light they had was absolutely _smouldering._ The muscles of his shoulders were hard as rock under Levi’s fingers. His eyes raked over Lvi’s torso, his lips parted slightly, and his tongue darted out to sweep along his bottom lip.

Levi let out a pitiful squeak. _Oh, just fuck me._

He placed the palm of his hand and the (quite prominent) bulge in Levi’s boxers and ground the heel of it down just slightly.

Levi squirmed and threw his head back. “Eren,” he hissed. The man in question trailed his nose up the planes of Levi’s neck, that same tongue poking out to taste him. He stared Levi down with a positively feral look in his eyes.

And suddenly, Levi was very much enjoying himself.

“How far have you gone with yourself?” Eren asked, not sugar coating in the slightest.

Levi felt his face heat up. He tore his eyes away. “I --”

“You know what I mean,” Eren growled, but that wasn’t the problem. The small circles he was rubbing into Levi’s crotch was a bit distracting.

“I --” he swallowed. “A couple times, in first year. Just fingers.”

Eren nodded, and returned to messily kissing the side of Levi’s neck. One of his hands continued lazily stroking him through his shorts, the other trailing upwards, dragging the fabric of his shirt up as he went. He shifted away just long enough to rid himself of his own shirt and slide between Levi’s legs.

Levi flushed at the sight of him whipping the offending garment of cloth over his shoulders. Eren, adorable little Eren, was _not_ allowed to look that sexy.

And then Eren pressed their bare chests together and ground into him, and he forgot all about what he was thinking about.

Eren started to map out the skin on his stomach, the jumping muscles, the small scars that led upwards to his chest, his collarbones, which jutted out against his pale skin. He licked and nipped at Levi’s neck, sucking and laving over the marks like an apology. His thumbs brushed over one of Levi’s nipples at the same moment he ground into him, hard and slow. Levi gasped.

“Fuck, Eren,” he murmured. He lifted an arm so he could shield his eyes in the crook of his elbow.

Eren growled. “No, look at me.” he said, biting at Levi’s collarbone and grinding their crotches together again.

Levi scrabbled for purchase against Eren’s back. His nails dug in, and his head thrashed against their pillow.

“I’m assuming all of this is okay?” Eren muttered into the crook of Levi’s neck, punctuating each word with a slow roll of his hips.

“Eren, if you don’t do something in five seconds, I will _\-- ah!”_ Levi cringed at the high pitched noise that left his throat, but he was already too far gone to care. It was terrible how easy it was for Eren to wreck him -- how pliable he was, how willing to just let Eren do whatever he wanted to him. But he liked it. It was terrible, but it was wonderful. His thighs trembled as Eren squeezed them and pushed them up towards Levi’s chest. He ground purposeful circles into his crotch and the cleft of his ass until Levi was writhing.

And he didn’t think twice before doing as Levi told him.

His hands fumbled a bit as he grabbed for the nightstand, shuffling around inside the drawer until he found what he was looking for.

He returned to Levi with a small bottle of lube and a roll of condoms in his grip.

Levi returned the predatory gave he was giving him.

Eren practically growled. “God, you’re gorgeous.”

A fiery heat boiled inside Levi’s stomach. “Then what are you just sitting there for? Fucking do something about it.”

With a (slightly terrifying) grin, Eren leaned down just long enough to nip playfully at Levi’s thigh before he pulled his boxers off in one fluid motion. He sat there for a moment just admiring him -- the milky paleness of his thighs, the way his erection rested against his stomach, already rock hard and dripping with precome. How he was spread out like this. Presenting himself just for Eren. He licked his lips. Levi sighed.

Before he knew it, something cold and slippery was pressing against his entrance.

“Tell me if it’s too much, okay?” Eren asked. Levi nodded. He grit his teeth, and then there was a protrusion --

And it wasn’t that bad.

It didn’t feel good yet -- it was only one finger, after all -- but it didn’t feel bad, either. Just… _full._ Levi wasn’t opposed to it. He shifted his hips a bit, experimental, squirming under the scrutiny of Eren’s heady gaze.

Eren started to nip and suck at the skin on his chest at the same time he began to move his finger back and forth. He sunk in till the last knuckle, pulled out slowly, twisting his finger just a bit to keep Levi coated completely with lube. This part, Levi recognized.

The mixing sensations were confusing. On one hand, it was foreign, odd, but the other sent little shivers of pleasure wracking through him. He let out a small, breathy noise at the sensation and felt Eren gulp.

“I’m fine, keep going,” Levi murmured. He pressed his cheek against the pillow and sighed.

Eren pulled out completely, before working back inside, this time with two fingers instead of one. Levi winced -- only for a moment -- but Eren was already frozen.

“What’s up?” he breathed.

“No, don’t stop, I’m okay. It’s just...weird?”

Eren hummed. “Yeah, that’s how it always is the first couple of times. It shouldn’t hurt. At least -- not now. In might twinge a little bit but then it gets fucking amazing.”

Levi nodded. Yeah, he definitely remembered that.

The relaxed fingering went on for a couple more minutes, before Levi began to get a bit impatient as to how slow they were going, and ground his hips down on Eren’s fingers.

Eren spluttered. “Fuck, Levi,”

Levi grinned. He did it again. This time, the way Eren was stroking at his walls began to feel distinctly _good._ The roll of hips against Eren’s hand made him instinctively curl his fingers -- and Levi’s back was arching and white exploded in front of his eyes, and _shit,_ he didn’t remember it feeling that amazing.

He was always so good at ruining him with the simplest things. It was like Eren didn’t even need to try, and Levi was already hanging onto him.

The delicate stroke of the pads of his fingers inside him, the way they caught against his spot and massaged him almost without effort. And damn, Eren’s fingers, just like the rest of him, were so much bigger than Levi’s. The reached so deep inside of him, lighting a fire in his belly from the inside. In the position he was in, legs thrown up over Eren’s shoulders and thighs squeezed between both of their torsos, he had almost no leverage when it came to thrusting back down on his fingers to get _more._

He gripped Eren’s hand and forced him to go deeper -- Eren complied, of course. They could get to teasing and extended foreplay later. Right now, they just needed each other. They needed to be closer to each other.

“I love you,” Levi blurted, like it was the one thing on the tip of his tongue, something he was begging himself to say.

He yanked Eren’s head down and kissed him.

The kiss held none of their usual desperation and sadness -- just a slow, underlying sense of closeness. It was languid, and a bit chast, but it was what Levi needed. Eren smiled against his lips. He flicked his tongue between Levi’s lips and licked into his mouth, hot and wet. Levi shivered.

He forced a condom into Eren’s hands and watched as he struggled to unwrap it, and suddenly, he was just completely done by how long this was taking.

If they were going to do this, Levi was going to be in control of himself.

And they were spinning.

A back hit the mattress, a hand planted firmly against a chest, and Levi was straddling Eren’s thighs and looking like a god that had fallen down above him. The pale light that escaped through their curtains hit every angle of him perfectly, shadowing his muscle and highlighting the graceful curve of his hips, the softness on his thighs, the hard perfection of his biceps. Eren’s mouth fell open. His own boxers were ripped down over his thighs and thrown onto the floor as if they had personally offended Levi.

He rolled the condom on over his cock, drizzled an ample amount of lube over him, and stroked him languidly to make sure the condom was on tight. Eren’s back arched and a strangled noise left his throat.

“I swear, if you keep doing that I’ll come right now.”

Levi frowned. He didn’t want that happening.

Instead, he gripped his cock firmly and lifted himself by the strength of his shaky thighs, and pressed down against the head of Eren’s cock.

Eren’s eyes rolled into the back of his head.

Levi gasped at the feeling of being filled. He tried to balance himself, trying to ease himself down as slow as possible. He placed the palms of his hands on Eren’s chest to steady himself. His thighs were already shaking from before, but he managed to inch his way down until Eren was completely sheathed inside of him.

The man in question was struggling.

For a moment, Levi thought he was in pain. Every muscle in his chest seemed to jump under Levi’s fingers, his face was contorted, lips parted slightly, fingers gripping the pillow beside his head. His jaw fell slack and a pitiful, breathy noise escaped his nose. The sight of him looking so wrecked sent a wave of heat through him.

Eren’s mouth was open, and a low-pitched mantra of Levi’s name fell from it. “Hah,” he groaned. “You’re so fucking tight, oh my _God_ ,”

Levi’s own chin fell to rest against his chest. The feeling of being filled to the brim wasn’t exactly _bad_ , but the stretch itself took some getting used to.

In a fleeting moment of experimentation, he shifted his hips and ground down on Eren’s cock. The warmth in his stomach spread to his legs, his chest, his arms, and he gasped.

Eren looked like he was about to scream. A garbled string of meaningless words fell from his lips, and his back arched away from the mattress. His hands shot up to grip Levi’s hips hard enough to bruise. “Ah, fuck, do that again,” he sighed.

Levi raised an eyebrow. He tossed a bit of his hair, wet with sweat, out of his eyes. “Like that?” he asked, rolling his hips in a small circle.

From the strangled noise that left Eren’s mouth, he assumed he was correct. “Yes, _shit,_ just like that. Keep doing that.”

He rolled his hips again, grinding down on him in tight little circles. It felt as though sparks were lighting inside of him -- the way he moved caused the head of his cock to stroke against him just right. Levi gasped.

A powerful upward snap of Eren’s hips made his eyes roll back into his head.

“Sorry, sorry!” Eren blubbered. “I didn’t mean to, I should have asked it’s just -- you look so fucking hot above me like that, and -- I just couldn’t --” Eren’s mouth snapped shut. He stared up at Levi, who was biting the skin at the back of his hand, tears in the corners of his eyes. He felt crushed. He had hurt him, he knew he had --

And then a snort and a giggle escaped him and Eren relaxed.

“You --” Levi interrupted himself with a groan. “You -- it’s okay, you dumbass, you can fuck me.”

Eren swallowed hard at that. That was _way_ too hot. “That’s not allowed, okay?”

Levi blinked. He rolled his hips again, this time with a bit more purpose, and Eren threw his head back. “What’s not allowed?”

“You...you’re not allowed to be so damn _good_ at this. You’re awkward dorky and you think you’re too cool to show it, and now all of a sudden you’re some mutherfucking hot ass sex demon,” Eren gasped, biting his lip. “And it’s not fucking fair.”

“I told you, if you don’t like it, just fuck me.”

The words were barely out of his mouth before they were moving. Eren yanked him forward by his hips, sitting up and scootching backwards until his back rested against the wall behind their bed. He crooked his knees to give himself a bit of leverage, griped Levi’s hips, and moved his hips upward into his tight heat.

Levi groaned. Yes, that was what he needed.

It didn’t take long after that.

The were in a perfect position for Levi to just grip the headboard and kiss him messily, bearing down on his cock and rolling his hips lazily as Eren fucked into him. Small noises escaped through his nose -- small, insignificant noises that sounded exactly how one would expect them to if they were mumbles of Eren’s name muffled against his own lips.

And Eren was completely covered by him, surrounded by this wonderful heat that was Levi. Just the thought of it was enough to bring him close.

Levi pulled away from his lips just enough for him to look Eren in the eyes as he rolled his hips. Their noses and foreheads pressed together. He wanted to see Eren’s face when he came, wanted to be able to look at him, to know with every fragment of his being that he was right there -- in front of him, around him, inside him, everywhere, all at once. It was all he wanted.

ERen reached down to stroke his cock -- and he was gone.

His orgasm wracked through him like a wave. No, a tsunami. It filled him to the brim with heat before washing away as he shivered, tensing up and falling against Eren’s chest. The tightness of his clenched walls around his cock and the sight of his face as he orgasmed -- eyebrows drawn up and together, eyes squeezed shut, jaw slack as a low whine escaped him -- was enough to send him spiralling over the edge.

In the end, they didn’t even move.

Levi felt sticky and gross with Eren still inside him. But he didn’t want to move. He didn’t want to pull away, pull off, he didn’t want to leave his side or be separated from him any more than he had to. Eren’s chest heaved. He felt their heartbeats beat in sync.

And he was happy.

For one of the first times in years, he felt completely safe -- completely safe, and completely happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...  
>  I can't believe this is the end  
> I really can't  
> I spent so much time on the fic, and I love this universe so much...and I still feel like this is a good conclusion to their struggles? idk. I'm always up for feedback. I always feel like my smut isn't emotional enough, ya know? whatever. I love you guys. Now that I'm done with both of the fics I've been writing, I need suggestions! Send me them!!!!!


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